Saturday, December 25, 2010

101 Facts About the Radical Diva

101. I am a picky eater.
100. I want to meet Neil Gaiman, the Dalai Lama and the Pope.

 99. I had a girlfriend.
 98. I wanted to be a lawyer, until I realized that Denial, Defense and Dehumanization can be part of the job description.
 97. I've always wanted to join a Game Show on TV.
 96. I've been to more fistfights than romantic dates. :P
 95. Can't and Hate are two words that are not on my dictionary.
 94. When I was 17 I spent the night in jail.
 93. I am a Geek.
 92. I have a thing with men who wear glasses or have a 4 o'clock beard. I really don't know why.
 91. I love the beach.
 90. I don't think I will ever ride a rollercoaster. *shiver*
 89. I don't think I can live in a house without my own dog.
 88. I am claustrophobic.
 87. I love peanut butter, I just don't like it with anything else.
 86. I seriously am addicted to suspense thriller, books, series or movies. I am a sucker for it.
 85. I love the color pink, because it's so girly. Something I am not. ü
 84. I am sensitive to odors... I associate them with the most special feelings and person.
 83. I was told by a doctor that I won't be able to walk again. Yeah he might be right, coz I am always frolicking and jumping about.
 82. Three things that should always be in my bag (except for necessities) are an umbrella, sunglasses and my vanity kit.
 81. I was never fond of cats.
 80. I started school when I was 2 years old and got my degree at 19.
 79. I will go gay for Katy Perry or Zoey Deschanel. ü
 78. I am not the domesticated type of girl.
 77. I wasn't able to drive a car when I got into an accident. Never rode a motorbike since I toppled over.
 76.  I love the smell and the sound of rain and have always dreamt of making out with someone underneath a stormy sky... *sigh*
 75. I am a feminist.
 74. I like guys who have love handles and can cover my body entirely if they hug me. ü
 73. I don't like coffee.
 72. I had a musical box with a ballerina doing pirouettes when I was younger. I've always searched for something like it until now.
 71. I am super giggly and very ticklish.
 70. I'll choose boxers over thongs anytime.
 69. I've never watched porn.
 68. I am a lip gloss addict.
 67. I've always been allergic to my favorite food, but I keep on eating it still. I guess this means I am hardheaded!
 66. I always order onion rings to eat the rings and not the onion. ü
 65. I love doing hula hoops.
 64. I have a peanut shaped birthmark on my right lower chest.. I think it's cute. ü
 63. Dancing makes me feel elated, even if I look silly doing it.
 62. I wanna have my very own nude portrait, while my body is still okay.
 61. I've always wanted to be a ballerina when I was younger but I didn't knew I had vertigo so I can't do those pirrouettes.
 60. I would want to travel the world. I will do it.
 59. When I am nervous or stressed I nailbite.
 58. I was 6 months training short on becoming a cop.
 57. I am very pushy. If you get swayed easily, you are in trouble with me. You have to push back and be stubborn, coz if not I will just make decisions for you.
 56. I used to be so scared of using public restrooms.
 55. I am dead scared of snakes and other creepy crawlies.
 54. Once when I was younger I tried slashing my wrists in front of mom and dad to stop them from fighting.
 53. I've always been an adrenaline junkie.
 52. I love swings, whenever I see one I will go psych and try it. ü
 51. I never owned a barbie nor a teddy bear when I was younger.
 50. Me and my son was both born on a Monday.
 49. If I would want a really bad ass job, I would probably be a bounty hunter.
 48. I believe in the whole concept of a higher being but I don't pray to ask much rather give thanks and do work.
 47. I stutter when I am excited.
 46. I used to have really long hair and my dad didn't want to cut it so it reached my knees.
 45. I love the smell of freshly baked bread in the morning, would hold it up against my cheeks and eat something else. LOL
 44. I want to skydive.
 43. I've always loved strawberry flavored stuff but haven't actually eaten the actual strawberry. ü
 42. I have actually been stalked by some people before.
 41. I am the type of person who likes things that aren't liked by many people. I like being different and going against the current even if it means fashion or social suicide... ü
 40.  I am a cotton candy addict.
 39. My dad was a gambler, and he taught me cheats and tricks in gambling when i was like old enough to count :D
 38. I am the type of person whom if i feel you don't like me I won't bother knowing you, but if I don't like you I will try to figure why I don't and see if I can like you.
 37. I am a real messy bessy.
 36. I developed a phobia with people saying "i'm gonna be here for you forever, i promise" coz apparently when someone says that, they tend to disappear completely.
 35. I have a fairly good memory and sometimes I hate it coz it reminds me of things I want to forget.
 34. I am practically a late bloomer and until now I think I still haven't been in an actual date. :P
 33. I am big on the ego thing, though I would usually forget about it I would seldom say sorry to people, but just avoid talking about it.
 32. I love letters. Writing them and getting them. I think it's just so sweet and personal and I love it even more.
 31. I am a go getter and a very independent woman, but I've always wanted to be a plain housewife. ü
 30. I have always been everything to people, the motivator, the counselor, the bestfriend, but was never the ONE.
 29. I wanna go hitch hiking with someone.
 28. I have a horrible handwriting due to dysgraphia.
 27. I was almost married twice, both times I called it off. It was stupid. But I am happier this way.
 26. For me it has always been dignity over curiosity... I'm starting to favor the latter lately though. *exciting*
 25. I had my hair until my knees when I was younger.
 24. Before I turned 24, I had everything planned and every plan I was able to pursue and achieve but it wasn't fun. 
 23. I am a licensed teacher. I just don't think I need it after I got it, coz I can still teach without it anyway.
 22. The first time I played an online RPG, I puked after.
 21. I grew up with 8 women I call Mama, one Mommy, and a Nanay, same with Papa, Daddy and Tatay.
 20. I learned to bike after my older cousin pushed me off in one down a curve and got my legs badly bruised and I fell on an open manhole with murky water... yikes!
 19. I realized I can't delete my google footprint that easily, I have like more than 20 accounts online.
 18. I've always let my heart decide on things, and it gave me men who can't decide on things. 
 17. Sometimes, I burst out laughing in dead silence at something that just cross my mind.
 16. In connection, my mind is so active that I can talk about multiple separated topics and interconnect them easily.
 15. I easily get jealous.
 14. I always wish on stars and wishing fountains.
 13. I seldom go to mass, but I always give thanks.
 12. I hate it when people try to sway me into their beliefs, it makes me not like it more or not listen in anyway.
 11. I always do things that can challenge me into overcoming my fear, in essence I think I fear myself the most.
 10. At this point in my life, I am given much choices to choose from and now I get to have a difficult time choosing. 
  9. I vow to my kid that I won't date until he is old enough to give me permission too, I'm still working on keeping that promise.
  8. I am in search for someone to keep my life worthwhile.
  7. The first time someone told me "I love you." I laughed. I shouldn't do it again.
  6. I talk a lot, especially when I am nervous. If I don't talk I'm sick.
  5. I love watching movies, and I cry at the same scenes over and over again.
  4. I hated my Birthday since I was old enough to appreciate presents, I always get the "Merry Christmas and a Happy Birthday" tagline every year.
  3. I have a wedding ring, from my Grandmother. It was passed on for 3 generations in my family and the first born female always gets it.
  2. A fortune teller told me, I am not meant to marry someone from my country. hmmm. LOL. I wonder who could it be?
  1. I fall in love easily, and stay in love for a really long while. I don't forget easily too, makes it much harder to get over things. But I still am willing to wait for that someone.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Law of Diminishing Expectations

"tripping hard falling down onto the ground
cause I can't stand up and I can't fall down
and I'm somewhere in the middle of this..."

- Somewhere in the Middle
by Dishwalla - 


People have been bombarded by this word every single day with or without their knowledge. We have always been put up to fulfill something, to achieve, or to be useful in one way or another.

I never liked expectations.

I was the eldest in the family, and being that just made expectations much, much higher. There are tons of shoulds, don'ts, do this, do that and what nots.

Mom would always say I started walking earlier than children my age. I talked even before my first tooth came out. She knew I was destined to do something great. Now, I don't think I am exactly meeting her expectations although she isn't complaining about how I run my life. It seems that my early progress on things led her to believe that I will be fulfilling all her lifelong dreams, but I really wasn't, coz I have my own thing going on, pretty messy and maybe a bit harder to fulfill but it's mine.

I started school when I was 2 years old but the formal one when I was 3, graduated college at 19, still not quite impressive but I was always top of my class and she continues to hold on to those elusive dreams.

Until I got pregnant.

I saw her face, the way she looked at me the night she went to the hospital to pick me up because I was taken there when I fainted because of overfatigue (I was working 2 jobs at the time). She knew it, saw right through me, devastated.

All positive expectations down the drain, in comes the negativities, all the more I had to prove myself and get things together.

After I gave birth to my son, I realized one thing. I would NEVER set expectations for him to fulfill. I would let him learn at his own pace and decide on things he would want to do. I understood my Mom very well, she was trying to hold on to something, wanting someone to save her and make life better not for herself but for me as well, I just never saw it that way. I always rebelled against her wishes, I never said I would follow them now but I learned to make adjustments and consider, be a WHOLE lot nicer to her at least.

We are not really aware sometimes but the most common receiver of our great (and not to mention dangerous) expectations are those people we love. It can be as simple as we expect them to remember our birthdays, anniversary, monthsary, the day we first met and so on... or the supreme expectation, that they love as the way we love them (sometimes just way too freakishly unreal). But we never learn, we don't stop, we don't take it easy coz we need to feel important, the need that our love is being reciprocated in an equal term (tsk tsk).

I am not claiming that I am able to separate myself and totally cease to expect from someone, maybe I am still a kid who gets frustrated everytime she was misunderstood, or felt taken forgranted, after all didn't we all yearn for affection, for somehow, someone would be able to glance our way and appreciate us and more importantly love us.

It sounded easy, but it never was. EVER.

We all have different ideas of how love can be expressed and like expectations, we also never settle for anything less than what we have in mind, we never learned to compromise (which was totally doofus!).

I’ve always tried to live out people’s expectations of me. Sometimes, I just want to SCREW UP and FAIL but I still choose not to. Failure is not what breaks me, but the successes I have achieved. Somehow, I felt I am never enough, and I always had to do more. It’s so frustrating.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Invitation

This poem caught my attention the first time I heard a few words from it being read by someone over the radio.

I guess you can say I am a bit melodramatic when I posted this but the words have been going on my mind for quite some time now. According to what I have read about the author, she wrote this because of a certain gathering she took part in and where everyone has been asking details of her life.

It definitely reminded me of what the Little Prince tried to tell the pilot, that people are becoming much more interested in matters of importance to them, they always ask for figures and we tend to put value on the person depending on one's income and reputation.

I took the liberty of posting the whole poem for the benefit of those who are not familiar with it.

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.


Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Monday, November 8, 2010

Who's Gonna Save My Soul

My bestfriend stumbled upon this video a few months ago and eversince I got hooked with the song and the video as well. It was a very vivid interpretation of reality, very well explained. I wish guys can really explain things this thorough coz it would really help on how we can address the situation (at least, assuming it can still be patched).

I have transcribed the dialogue in the video which I found far more moving than any dialogues I have heard in movies (by far). Yeah, it might seem a bit over the top because I had to type everything out while I play the video which requried meticulousness.

The lyrics of the song are just below the video. I appreciate the person who have thought of this amazing piece. Chris Milk, you rock dude!

Who's Gonna Save my Soul
Gnarls Barkley

Girl : I, I need space. I need the time to just figure out who I am. You know, and it's not you, it's totally not you it's me and it's like the timing of it. I'm trying to find out who I am and I can't really do that if I'm still trying to find out who you are at the same time. You know?

Boy : Umm, can I get an extra plate please?

Girl : I feel like we really gave it a good go, you know? But it's just hopeless to move on.

(boy makes a cut in his chest using a table knife and takes out his heart putting it in the extra plate in front of the girl)

Boy : For you.

Girl : You do realize I'm breaking up with you right?

Boy : That's the strange thing. It's actually yours now. I don't know why it works this way but i'm never gonna be able to get over you and so from now on every girl that I meet will be meticulously compared to you. And unfortunately, none of them will be able to measure up to the false memory of what you and I "once" had.

Girl : Well, maybe I can just keep it for a little while and use it for small things like, I don't know when I've really had a shitty day or I need someone to talk to or when I need someone to move something heavy and then eventually I'll give it back to you when we both find someone new.

Boy : Unfortunately it won't work that way.

Girl : Why not?

Boy : Well now that you have my heart I'm pretty much an empty cavity inside for a lack of a better term "heartless". I will now treat each woman I meet with a passive aggressive contentiousness that will ruin relationship after relationship for many years to come.

Reality :

Girl : I really treasure your friendship so much. Hello? Are you even listening to me?

Boy : No.

I got some bad news this morning
Which in turn made my day
When this someone spoke I listened
All of a sudden, has less and less to say
Ohhhhhh how could this be?

All this time, I've lived vicariously
Who's gonna save my soul now?

Who's gonna save my soul now?
How will my story ever be told now?

How will my story be told now?
Made me feel like somebody

Hmmm, like somebody else
Although he was imitated often
It felt like I was being myself
Is it a shame that someone else's song

Was totally and completely dependant on
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?

I wonder if I'll live to grow old now
Gettin high cause I feel so low down
And maybe it's a little selfish
All I have is the memory
Yet I never stopped to wonder-ahhhhh
Was it possible you were hurtin worse than me

Still my hunger turns to greed
Cause what about what I need?!
And OHHHH~! Who's gonna save my soul now?

Who's gonna save my soul now?
Ohhhh I know I'm out of control now
Oooh-oooh, tired enough to lay my own soul down

Monday, October 11, 2010

Did I Marry the Right Person?

This is a very good article, I just swiped this off from a friend on Facebook. Those who are still single may learn something from here... Those who are already married or in a commitment may take it as a guideline to improve your marriage relationship.


During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?" I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer. EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse/partner. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies (unconventional behavior/habit) .

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... Because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria (excitement) of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute would drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages or relationship breakdown. People blame their spouse/partner for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage/relationship for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.

And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.

Because (listen carefully to this):


SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage/relationship work. Sure true love can only happen after you've fallen out of love. When you begin choosing to love, even if you don't feel like doing it ---- that's true love. And that's the foundation of a lasting and strong marriage.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable. .. you can "make" love.

Love is indeed a "decision".. . Not just a feeling. You'll not just go away with your relationship just because the feeling is gone. In the Bible, love is a command. You make it happen.

Remember this always:

"God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go." 

"Marriage is more than saying I Do. Marriage, like a precious plant, needs constant tending for it to grow, flourish, and bear fruti to last a lifetime, and beyond." - David and Evelyn Feliciano


This is such an enlightening article. I still believe someone out there is willing to toil with me in this endeavor. I know he's out there.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A Song on the Loop

John Mayer is going to Manila and will be having a concert this Friday. I wish to see the concert but I feel it would be best that I shouldn't. In a sea of screaming John Mayer fans and people seemingly lost in lovers' lane, I don't wanna be another social casualty or however you wanna call it. I love John Mayer since I heard the song "No Such Thing".

He's such a blabbermouth like me. I don't think we would be able to stop talking if I encounter him and be given the chance to do so, but he would be sinfully attractive and smoothly sarcastic that I might be praying for my own social demise. But who knows, I was just hoping that he was true to the essence of his songs, and I love them, so technically I love his thoughts. It makes perfect sense.

I stumbled upon a video on youtube, I think one of his live concerts where he was just blabbering away and he was coming up with lyrics and singing them as well and this song really affected me in such ways.

I took the liberty of copying the lines and posting it here thanks to MelleB90 from youtube who was seemingly meticulous in providing the lyrics to the public and the wonderful video along with it.

My Stupid Mouth

Added lyrics :

I'm sorry, if you could see inside my skull
You would know I've got the best of all intentions,
You know I'm sorry
I feel like it's my responsibility to fill the silence all the time
Only then do I talk off a ledge do I fall fall fall...
Oh, dahdah daahh dah...

I'm sorry and it's just my mouth and sometimes my head
but never my heart, never my heart
always a reason, always a reason
Oh dahdah daahh, hooohooo ooohooo...

Always my mouth never my head
maybe I'll stay home tonight and rent a movie instead
'cause all that I know is when I take this thing out
there's always some reason I got to explain what it's about

if you could see inside my head now oh,
you would know about me
you would know about me

-I just told someone the other day that-
getting your way inside is, getting your way inside is like piloting your way through a minefield.
-just a little ring, just a little circle that you got to get through-
once you're through you know then you're through with wondering
what's this boy about and what is he putting me on for 
it's a long ride through, yeah

but you'll be happy once you do.

-there's a song about that long ride through and how some people just never make it and that's alright-

oh, my stupid mouth has got me in trouble and now I
I said to much again to a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see she was offended
She said "well anyway..." just dying for a subject change.

Oh, another social casualty score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one soon

We bit our lips, she looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess with the salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly,
An indelible line was drawn between what was good, what JUST slipped out and what went wrong

Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do

I guess he better find one

I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me, I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me.

Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now...
Starting now.

One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard.
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire

I'm never speaking up again
it only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery

than she desert me

oh i'm never speaking up again
i'm never speaking up again
i'm never speaking up again
Starting now...
Starting now.

is it all on me?

is it really all on me?
are you saying it's got nothing to do, nothing to do, nothing to do with a little bit of chemistry?
how is it that I can be so cool to one man
I can turn around and be so cruel to another
it's got to be the way they understand
that it's a little bit crazy inside sometimes...

Here's the link on youtube : My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Wandering Settler

Drawing blanks, that's what I usually feel when I am faced with something I am definitely unsure how to react to. I have been searching for answers, but certain questions aren't meant to be answered.

Contentment is a word that I often encounter. My own mother is the main component in the familiarity of such word and thus cultivating the ideologies behind it. Years before I even came in to the picture and made her life worst (as she would often joke), she was never given the chance to pursue the stuff that she believed would make her life better. Eldest of 8, with a plain housewife for a mom and a jeepney driver for a dad, she had to give up school to give way for her younger siblings.

I wondered if I was given her position, would I be as idealistic as I am now or would I succumb and choose my family over my own fate. Of course, I highly doubt I would just give up without fighting tooth and nail with it, but I just don't know the weight of the expectations to a young mind, it might have made me indifferent.

She thought she got out of that scenario with her family when she married my dad but she was given a harder load to carry out and I was not involved in making it easy for her.

My mother was a settler.

She settled on things given to her by other people, chose from what's available and had to suck it all up without trying to find if there's something better out there. She said it was her fate. I believed it to be otherwise. But if she had throdden a different path, I might not be here telling her uneventful life.

I would like to believe I am unlike her.

It's just such an irony when things present themselves and try to cage you in a whole unfamiliar area of life where you are only presented with two seemingly losing choices.

To further stress out the irony, I am the wandering settler.

I am still trying to figure out what will I settle for and if I have the ability to do so because there still lies that possibility that I won't or would refuse to and just go on wandering the rest of my life.

I am not presented with much choices, but I can choose not to choose right?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Of Fears and Insecurities

"I think this is going to be a long night."

Were the words you mouthed as you looked outside through the dark windowpane in the corner room we have decided to take shelter for the night. I saw the hopeful gleam in your eyes, as if suggesting that this is all fabricated to put us closer together.

I managed to mutter the words, "What made you say that?" and tried my best to sound mad, but apparently my voice had shaken a bit. Still I took refuge on the fact that you are not looking at me still and haven't put much thought on noticing the faltering of my emotions.

You amaze me, in so many ways and yet I still choose not to disclose it for I know how proud you can get, and I won't give you the chance to take advantage of me, at least I try not to.

"You were saying?"

- "Oh, umm. Nothing. I was just trying to figure out how I will tell my Mom that I will not be going home tonight, she might worry you know."

"Tell her, you are with me then"

- "Are you being subtle in that way? She doesn't know you so well, remember that"

"Yeah, yeah."

As I reach for my purse and turned away, I can feel the sting of your stare at the back of my neck. It sure feels weird to be in this situation just when I have decided to stop entertaining thoughts of being with you. Yes, I stopped.


I didn't exactly know. But I just feel that I should, as you made your advances much more intense and direct as the days go by. Deep inside me lies an unexpressed feeling waiting to be submerged in your being and it scares me more to delve in that level.

I am over thinking right?

After a seemingly long while of searching my relatively small bag, coupled with the coldness enveloping this room making my hands and feet wobble a bit, I am finally able to find what I was looking for, my phone. As I started a short and direct text message explaining my whereabouts to the only person who might die of worrying, I noticed you as you circle the room. I tried my best not to pay attention, but your mere presence heightens up my anxiety, your lean arms and chest, the haughtiness in your stance it makes my world crumble in so many ways.

Message sent.

Hopefully that takes care of Mom, but I can't seem to find enough courage to put down the phone and do nothing, while you exist a few steps away from me. This is so childish, even thinking about it, coz part of my brain tells me that you are not even aware that I am having these delusions about this whole scenario.


Flushed and disoriented I dropped my phone. Instinctively you reached out for it and as our hands collided, static electricity ran through quickly and made us both jump.


- "Ouch!"

"You know this is not what I had in mind... The rain was not my plan just so you know. Can you just get a grip of yourself and try to relax, you are scaring me."

- "What? I am not exactly thinking about anything."

"What's up?"

- "Nothing."

"Come on, tell me. There's obviously something."

- "Well nothing in particular, I was just... I just find it funny that we ended up here. I mean we could've just went some place else, like I don't know, just some place else"

"Oh okay, understandable. I'm sorry for putting you in this position, I know what you're thinking, that I am such a jerk for taking advantage and all, but truly I am not. You can take the bed, I'm fine with the couch."

- "Thanks."

I'm not a very timid girl. I don't like it a cinch. But I need to keep still and quiet in here, I do wanna talk to you, but I don't know exactly what to say. I don't even want to look at your face, or your eyes. Yeah... specially your eyes.

Stay away from your melting gaze. Right. I'll definitely keep that in mind.

I stood up and was stuck in thinking what I should do. I took my bag and headed to the bathroom, turned on the light and looked at my reflection in the hazy mirror. My mind is a bit out of focus today and I shook my head a bit just to get the feel of holding myself together.

Running water from the tap seemed calming, the tub is really inviting. Holding my fingers against the water, feeling it's steady stream of coldness cover my hand I took off my shoes and dipped my bare feet in the not so deep water.

It is cold.

A few moments later, I found myself undressed submerged in the joyous feel of bubbly water. I keep forgetting where I was, where I should be, or as to why I am here in the first place, I just know that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else at this moment. I can feel the calmness now encompassing my being, and I can no longer hear your footsteps.

You probably are asleep now, it has also been a long day for you. And I've been hard on you I guess... but I'm not gonna give you the chance to take advantage of me. No. Never.

A knock on the door, had awoken me from dreaming.

"What are you doing there?"

- "Would you mind your own business? I'm trying to relax here."

"What sort of relaxation is taking that long? I need to pee. Come on!"

- "Okay, okay! Can't you just go pee somewhere else? Like in the lobby or something?"

"Lobby? Are you insane? I. NEED. TO. PEE. NOW!"

- "Will you cut the shouting out? I'm coming out now."

It's bad that my pseudo relaxation is over, what's worst is that I need to dress up real fast coz the person on the other end of this door might just make his way in any moment I turn the knob. Towels.

Wrapped in a towel, I turned to the door and turned the knob. He was standing right outside and seemed to jump about. Okay, he has a valid point. I never saw this man look this silly before. I am trying to suppress my chuckle big time, but as you emerged from the door, I realized you were eyeing on me.

- "W-what?"

I tried my best to grit my teeth and close my mouth to hide my grin, but I knew you noticed it right away.

"So you're being funny huh? Smart ass!"

- "Me? Umm. No."

"Why are you so defensive, when it comes to me? Is this still because of the fact that I like you so much? What's there to be defensive about?"

Stunned. I tried to keep myself in check. I mustered all the courage to open my mouth and tell you exactly how I feel, but I just can't. Not now. Not in this scenario.


- "Nothing."

"Why are you trying to evade the question? Wait, I think the better question is, why are you trying to avoid me?"

- "I am not trying to avoid you or that question or whatever you have in mind. I am just.. umm... just."

"What? See? I knew it, you ARE avoiding it, me and everything."

- "Let's not talk about it please, I am just not ready for these things. Don't push me."

"You are the one who's pushing me away. Okay I will stop, please don't cry."

- "Don't look at me like that. I think I need to get my clothes now, the room is getting colder as we speak, we'll have to be up real early tomorrow morning so I can drop by my house and get some clothes, I wouldn't want to wear the ones I have now again. People might think something's up and I don't like that. Excuse me."

As I reached for the door, I was half hoping for you to hold me and pull me gently to a tight embrace. I wondered how those arms would feel around my cold body, it could probably melt my heart, but you didn't. You stood there. Judging by the way you looked at the wall in front of you, you are as confused as I am right now. Probably a bit more.

Once again faced with the mirror bearing the accusing reflection of a stray woman, crying in agony, deep in anguish, hollowed by despair and toughened with pride. I was not supposed to not like you back, I do like you in many levels I am sure. Can you just prove to me that I was wrong for making this decision?

Can you just give me this moment to live this intense passion within me?

The coldness still envelops my heart. I am no one. I can never be the one. I am not that courageous to take this risk. I am not who you think I am. I am longing for the person at the other end of this room and yet I still choose to stand here sulking instead of sharing an amazing night with him.

My own insecurities are killing every tiny bit of hope in my soul.

The walls seemed to be closing in on me now. I need to go out and breathe. As I opened the door, you caught me and pulled me close.

"We will make this work, please don't be afraid to take this risk with me."


My heart is beating so much faster.



"Please. I am not letting you go."

My feet is slowly failing me now.

"Look at me."

I am trying my best to move. Feet. Falling. Beat. Faster.

You cupped my face with your right hand.

"Trust me. I love you."