Thursday, June 10, 2010

All-Might-Flee

"Depression please cut to the chase and cut a long story short,
Oh please be done, how much longer can this drama afford to run,
Fate looks sharp, severs all my ties and breaks whatever doesn't bend,
But sadly then, all my heavy hopes just pull me back down again."

- Tidal Wave by Owl City -


The notion that no one will ever accept you for who you really are is by far the most depressing thing I can ever think about. I think my personal mood is greatly affected by the dimness of this abhorring weather and I didn't have much energy to even give myself a fighting chance.

In the middle of working my way through life, making ends meet for my family, balancing time, resources and energy between everyone important to me and trying my best to keep my sanity, I think I am doing a pretty neat job. Still, the search for someone to hold your hand at the end of the day and the one that would give you a high morale boost in the morning is very much appealing.

Search.

Ah, that is debateable on certain levels. Especially if you know me so well, you might even think I am dissing every man I meet or turn them to my ever reliable and amazing buddies that I would somehow always remind that they should not cross the line of friendship I have neatly drawn around me. Yes. I do that. Not on purpose though, but with constant practice since I don't remember when, it just comes so naturally that sometimes I don't even know that I am already doing it. FOR. REAL.

In a recent conversation I had with our officemates, I have divulged my personal dillema. I really can't keep things to myself, one told me I'm just being very careful with things, probably too careful but she was hoping I am not frigid. Frigid. The first time that word was actually thrown at me, I know what it means perfectly, I just don't somehow relate it to myself even for a tiny bit. EVER.

The subject just apparently lost me and made me confused.

I hope I can just compartmentalize my mind and think about absolutely nothing for sometime, coz it would be like a breath of fresh air and an introduction to keeping your mind in focus and putting unhappy thoughts at bay.

Someone's trying to break my barrier, do I need to reinforce my walls?

"I would probably propose marriage to someone like you."

I think that was meant to be a compliment and I took it just as that. No underlying motives, a conversation between good friends, but at the back of my mind the irony of it all is confusing me more. How come this man somehow appreciates me in that level no one else has bothered to see?

Strange but true.

We always build facades to check who would try to see through and break them. But we also reinforce and make it harder for them, why?

To see if they are worthy or their intentions genuine?

Probably.

But then again, I might just be overanalyzing.

Walking around in white pants while the rest of the city is drenched in murky water isn't a bad idea until you go home and find yourself faced with the task of taking all the stain away if you still want to salvage your... err... white pants.
All might flee at the sight of the real me.

I know.

Because even I would.