After a few hours spent on reflecting last Sunday regarding the notion brought about by an out of the box thinking confidante I tried to assess the situation that had brought me a reason to doubt my first concept.
In the first place, what was I doing trying to make an utmost effort to meet random people if I wasn't exactly interested or searching for a relationship. That makes sense alright, I am confused for a moment.
As much as I would want to piece every part of that puzzle and justify everything complicatedly, it just boils down to one thing, I am again putting a lot of pressure on myself. Not so long ago, a friend dared me into coming out of my comfort zone and try going out and meeting people. It hasn't been really successful since then, but little did I know I am falling into a series of trap that I have been making just to get an affirmation, which is not good, for my own sake at least.
I filed a leave from work, this thing would probably make me depressed if I won't be able to find a solution or a way to deal with it. It's one of the things I have learned during the time I was a counselor, you need to deal with the problem immediately especially if it would just concern yourself before it start affecting the people around you.
I woke up on a sunny Monday morning (late), my son watching cartoons on TV and my mom busy in the kitchen. No expectations for me to do anything, I am practically invisible (well at least for Mom). I tried to document the emotions I felt at that moment in an effort to find resolution, (you would probably think I am overreacting, but all I am saying is I love the idea of conflict resolution ^_^) and have detailed my reactions to the range of stimuli presented and yes I realized I kinda overreacted (don't tell me you know this already, you have no idea).
Second, because I believe in the 90-10 principle it made me a feel a bit off, because there are plenty of ways I could have reacted in such a situation, and I really have to learn how to firmly say NO. As I always say, it's not what you say, it's how you say it that would make the greatest impact. Noted.
Third, and because at these times I feel the need for order, I rearranged the stuff in my closet and found some clothes that I need to work on. I was also able to watch the mangling of the divorcees' wedding dress on Project Runway, so I took the liberty of redesigning mine into something else, (still trying to make progress on that one) it's a liberating experience and to top it all if it fails to be anything I can just throw it away or burn it, I already have the perfect excuse to get rid of it.
I also found a few gowns and dresses and I have decided to make something else out of them, and cut and sew some slacks and jeans. I am finally catching up on reading The English Patient, which has been in my bed for quite some time now to make room for 12 other books gathering dust on my shelf.
This is fun, I never knew staying at home can be such a therapy, but of course you make use of what you have, plus I always stand up to my beliefs, but I didn't say I wouldn't change them anyway (that's pure BS *excuse me for the term*)