Monday, February 28, 2011

Day 1 - Assessment

Monday.

After a few hours spent on reflecting last Sunday regarding the notion brought about by an out of the box thinking confidante I tried to assess the situation that had brought me a reason to doubt my first concept. 

In the first place, what was I doing trying to make an utmost effort to meet random people if I wasn't exactly interested or searching for a relationship. That makes sense alright, I am confused for a moment. 

As much as I would want to piece every part of that puzzle and justify everything complicatedly, it just boils down to one thing, I am again putting a lot of pressure on myself. Not so long ago, a friend dared me into coming out of my comfort zone and try going out and meeting people. It hasn't been really successful since then, but little did I know I am falling into a series of trap that I have been making just to get an affirmation, which is not good, for my own sake at least.

I filed a leave from work, this thing would probably make me depressed if I won't be able to find a solution or a way to deal with it. It's one of the things I have learned during the time I was a counselor, you need to deal with the problem immediately especially if it would just concern yourself before it start affecting the people around you. 

I woke up on a sunny Monday morning (late), my son watching cartoons on TV and my mom busy in the kitchen. No expectations for me to do anything, I am practically invisible (well at least for Mom). I tried to document the emotions I felt at that moment in an effort to find resolution, (you would probably think I am overreacting, but all I am saying is I love the idea of conflict resolution ^_^) and have detailed my reactions to the range of stimuli presented and yes I realized I kinda overreacted (don't tell me you know this already, you have no idea).

Second, because I believe in the 90-10 principle it made me a feel a bit off, because there are plenty of ways I could have reacted in such a situation, and I really have to learn how to firmly say NO. As I always say, it's not what you say, it's how you say it that would make the greatest impact. Noted.

Third, and because at these times I feel the need for order, I rearranged the stuff in my closet and found some clothes that I need to work on. I was also able to watch the mangling of the divorcees' wedding dress on Project Runway, so I took the liberty of redesigning mine into something else, (still trying to make progress on that one) it's a liberating experience and to top it all if it fails to be anything I can just throw it away or burn it, I already have the perfect excuse to get rid of it.

I also found a few gowns and dresses and I have decided to make something else out of them, and cut and sew some slacks and jeans. I am finally catching up on reading The English Patient, which has been in my bed for quite some time now to make room for 12 other books gathering dust on my shelf.

This is fun, I never knew staying at home can be such a therapy, but of course you make use of what you have, plus I always stand up to my beliefs, but I didn't say I wouldn't change them anyway (that's pure BS *excuse me for the term*)

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Random Rant


There's only much leeway you can give to people on how they should behave towards you. I am not a fan of conflicts and I am definitely not one of those people who would probably have clouded judgments about other people until I have known them to a certain level.

There's always a self serving bias somewhere but I dare not make it obvious so the possibility of welcoming a new person to make a connection is always open. 

This is the time where I would probably have the need to take my  suppressed emotions (confusion, sadness or probably anger) on something but I still choose not to, displacing works perfectly fine for me. 

It's bad enough that people associate you with something just because you are part of that group, what's worst is that after letting them know you they still continue on what they had first thought.

Men amuse me in most ways.

If I know how to hate, I would probably spend all my hating capabilities on them... BUT of course I do not and the mere fact that at a certain point there always lie the probability of fraternizing with the enemy, I shun the idea of keeping that notion final.

That experience made me cry... again.

Not for myself, but for the women I have encountered in that place and for the men who take advantage.

Legality of such doesn't justify their acceptability. 

Something done by the majority also doesn't mean that you are supposed to do it too.

I highly doubt people who would say "I have no choice". 

UGH!

And this made me eat a whole Snickers bar.T_T

Being a feminist in such a place would probably feel like a vegan in a slaughterhouse.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Kurt Cobain's Love Letter

I do solemnly swear that I am a kid of the Grunge Era, who looked up to bands like Metallica, Nirvana and Anthrax for refuge during the adolescent stages where you feel all of the people around you are AGAINST you. Who related to their songs, hummed to Nothing else matters, Dumb and a whole lot more with utter zest with matching declarations of worship (sometimes to the stupidest extent).

I don't have a pretty good idea of the man behind the band, but all I know is at that time He is God (of music of course). I have adored him in many ways and silently wished to have a few moments with him just to ask a couple of questions to satisfy my childhood fantasy and meek curiosity, he is a status symbol afterall.

Even after he died, he still lived on to those hardcore worshippers and to many people who have learned to appreciate his great talent, stringing mundane words, harmonizing them and making them so addicting.

After so many years, his words still encapsulates my heart. I happened to bump into a thread revealing one of his love letters to his dearest and BAM! I fell in love. AGAIN.


Courtney,

photo credit
When I say I love you I am not ashamed. Nor will anyone ever come close to intimidating persuading, etc me into thinking otherwise. I wear you on  my sleeve. I spread you out  wide open with the wing span of a peacock.

Yet all too often with the attention span of a bullet to the head. I think it's pathetic that the entire world looks upon a person with patience and a calm demeanor as the desired model citizen.

Yet there's something to be said about the ability to explain oneself with a tone down, tune deaf tone. And I will say it: I am what they call the boy who is slow. How I metamorphosised from hyperactive to cement is for lack of a better knife to the throat uh, annoying, aggrevating, confusing as dense as cement.

Cement holds no other minerals. You can't even find fools gold in it. Its strictly man made and you've taught me it's ok to be a man. And in the classic man's world I parade you around proudly like the ring on my finger which also holds no mineral.

Love Kurt


Monday, February 21, 2011

Patience and Frustrations

Dearest Aeon,

Yesterday, I woke up to your screams. It's not that unusual since you and Mamita are always fighting when it comes to taking a bath, you don't seem to be much too fond of it at first but after being dunked in water you don't seem to want to stop bathing, thus another strife between the two of you. It was different this time though, it made me jump out of bed and take you into my wing.

Mamita has just slapped you...

I don't know how I was able to tell but I just knew I had to come to your aid.

I saw the two of you and I was calling out to you to reach out for me. Mamita was shocked and I can tell by her expression that she's not happy with what I have done, but I didn't bother, I had to get you out of there, out of her reach for a while.

I'm deeply sorry for not being the one to take care of you everyday, your Mamita loves you so much, but she is just frustrated at the time and her patience is not really working very well at times. I am never that good in consoling her and making her feel at ease, your Mamita is much too inhibited that she doesn't know how to express herself very much nor how to channel her emotionalities. She threw me a look of contempt and told me to take care of you if I'm not okay with how she is taking care of you.

I am not writing you this to tell you about how you should hate your Mamita, it's quite the opposite, I am telling you how people can be hard to understand at times and we must not in anyway fall in the trap of anger and loathing.

As soon as I got you all dried up, I clothed and fed you while Mamita sat on a corner and I think she was analyzing how she reacted to your childish ways. I didn't shout at Mamita nor did I brought up things that would probably prolong the conflict, sometimes we just have to keep quiet for a moment and make people realize, think and reflect on their actions, they will figure it out sooner and would calm down eventually without worsening the whole scenario.

Mamita, she feels pain too and there are a lot of conflicts that she has been thinking about. I am unable to help her with all of it, though I try to reassure her every time that it's gonna be okay and there's nothing really to fear, but still I am guilty because I am not ready to ask her what they are and the reason is that I don't know if I will be able to offer any solution and I am afraid to give her false hopes.

Frustrations... One thing I can tell you is that everybody is frustrated on something, we just have to learn how to properly displace this emotion.

TRY NOT to take out your anger on other people especially to those who loves you.

(As I am writing you this, I am contemplating on putting up a punching bag in our house so that either of us would take all the aggression and frustration on that thing instead on each other or something else, I would still have to figure it out.)

I am not very patient, although of course I do try my best when it comes to you. Someday, I would probably be unable to control my anger, we would probably have our bouts and your aggression would topple my patience or however that scenario would go, but I just want you to remember that sudden bursts of overwhelming emotions are not the only basis of how one loves you, it is the accumulation of the times we've spent together and I do love you in many ways.

REMEMBER that although people we love would act stupid, dumb or totally mess up, it's TEMPORARY, it's part of who they are and we should learn how to accept them at those times in which they needed us the most.

Probably when I grow older and like menopausal (when my hormones are no longer working the way they are supposed to *gulp!*) I might lose patience easily and be depressed most of the time, that's why I want you to know how I feel now as far as my open mind can process.

Mamita and I love you so much. When you grow up, you would meet other people that would probably give you frustrations and may test your patience, it's part of life... it's part of living... dealing with the stress of the moment.

I left the house for an hour, to give ample time for the two of you to recover and when I got back I saw you sleeping side by side embracing each other. ^_^

People are not always ready to listen to what we think they needed to hear, this is my 2nd letter to you but I have no idea which one you would need first.

I am in the process of learning things and I am aiming to transfer the rawest of them to you as soon as I have learned how to deal with them. Learn from my mistakes and try to make your own (it pays to be original my dearest ΓΌ).

I love you so much.

Ina