Thursday, July 30, 2009

I'm Thanatophobic

I was trying to write this for the nth time I hope it would load successfully. Everytime I try something goes wrong and I have to abandon my attempts to show the world of the probable synopsis of my brilliant soon-to-be novel.

I have always dreamt to have one but I'm still on the process of building the right plot and define the characters for my masterpiece to be set on paperback. One thing for sure is I would try my best to deviate from the love story genre. I am a hopeless romantic and for being such I have been frustrated on how love cannot be as perfect as it is on writing.

It would be tough to play on religion but I hope since it would be fiction I would be spared of the choice of being condemned by the religion I am a part of.

Here's the essay I have written that would serve as the main plot of my story. Feel free to leave a comment.

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How can a person face a very dreadful but inevitable thing here on earth, that even Christ himself have claimed to suffer befor gaining the so-called eternal life, a thing so immense and unknown, a thing which is only known as death?

Last New Year's Eve amidst the happiness and festivities brought by the occasion, I believe that I had encountered the biggest and most frightening realization in my life... that I am thanatophobic. this means that my greatest fear is death.

Before I had this realization, I had a very strange dream the night before, a dream about my own death, about my soul leaving my body and afterwards, instead of having the usual experience that people I've watched being interviewed regarding near-death experiences often relate about seeing a bright light in the end of a very dark tunnel or an angel guiding them to a certain place that makes them feel better, I just stood in a place or rather a room that has no doors nor windows. I was like in a box and just stood there facing blank walls.

That's when a thought hit me, what would really happen to us after death, is there really a heaven or a hell? And why does people have to die? Do we really have souls?

People who had suffered a coma or other sickness that caused them to be unconscious for some time, whom afterwards woke up from it says that they had these glimpse of the after life and someone or an angel told them it's not their time or he had other plans for them or just like the one I have mentioned earlier about traveling in a dark tunnel and following a bright light believing that the someone guided and saved them. I believe most of them have beliefs of a God or a certain higher being that is accountable for all the things that are going on in our lives. I do not wish to question such but I'm quite intrigued.

What if an atheist undergoes a coma? Will he alse experience the same as the others have related? What if a Buddhist has a neardeath experience, will he see Buddha instead of Christ?
There are hundreds of interpretations of where a person would end up after death and there are also many notions of how death would appear.

For some, he is like a creature whose appeareance you wouldn't want to see or imagine, a beast under a dark cloak and carrying an enormous sickle in one hand. There are also those who view death as an angel and may look like Brad Pitt and for some might be a very beautiful maiden whom will take you to your place in heaven, most likely.

For me, however he or she might look like, death would be something horrible, will be very unwelcomed and unfathomable. a thing that would definitely separate me from my loved ones. Maybe the reason why I had that dream is because my fear is really haunting me unconsciously then, and now it has found its way to make me realize it was always there and has finally come out to challenge me.

As Sigmund Freud puts it, "Dreams are the road to the unconscious." Was I unconsciously dreading this since the day I put on my thinking cap? To me it has made it's move and like a swift move in a chess game I found myself caught in between great forces and am about to withdraw from the battle, shouting "You win! I'm scared!"

Now as I ask myself, why should I fear death. The logical reasons race my mind and continously registers several hypotheses and scholarly notions but my brain seemed unable to process them. It happens to all persons, no exclusions and no discriminations, not that it can be done.

Some said our death is determinded even before our actual birth. Could I see mine in the stars if I really really look at it?

Some would take it as a form of salvation or refuge from a very unbecoming world, for others, punishment for their sins and misbehaviors, but I still have no idea on how I could understand and as they would say, embrace this unrelatable phenomenon. Maybe that's the reason why I fear it. Because I don't exactly know how I will be able to take it and honestly I really don't want my questions to be answered at this moment if it would mean I would encounter it although a lot of times I had wished I would have died to escape from something.

Maybe the reason behind the blank wall in my dream is that I still don't have a clear perception of what I want to believe in either about death, life or faith.

How would I not let my fear of death interfere with my life would be the next big question.

And still I've got the feeling, I won't get answers.

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