Monday, May 30, 2011

Complicating Heart


'...This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.' 
- Hollow Men by T. S. Eliot
"What are you afraid of?" he asked.
"There are things that would make humans so afraid to decide and I am no exception... I like you and it's because of that, that I don't wanna be with you."
Complicated emotions.
We all have them.
Always on the verge, wanting to move on but afraid to take the first step towards the goal at hand.
Pity.
Love is always worth it.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Porphyria's Lover

The rain set early in to-night,
The sullen wind was soon awake,
It tore the elm-tops down for spite,
And did its worst to vex the lake:
I listen'd with heart fit to break.
When glided in Porphyria; straight
She shut the cold out and the storm,
And kneel'd and made the cheerless grate
Blaze up, and all the cottage warm;
Which done, she rose, and from her form
Withdrew the dripping cloak and shawl,
And laid her soil'd gloves by, untied
Her hat and let the damp hair fall,
And, last, she sat down by my side
And call'd me. When no voice replied,
She put my arm about her waist,
And made her smooth white shoulder bare,
And all her yellow hair displaced,
And, stooping, made my cheek lie there,
And spread, o'er all, her yellow hair,
Murmuring how she loved me---she
Too weak, for all her heart's endeavour,
To set its struggling passing free
From pride, and vainer ties dissever,
And give herself to me for ever.
But passion sometimes would prevail,
Nor could to-night's gay feast restrain
A sudden thought of one so pale
For love of her, and all in vain:
So, she was come through wind and rain
Be sure I look'd up at her eyes
Happy and proud; at last I knew
Porphyria worshipp'd me; surprise
Made my heart swell, and still it grew
While I debated what to do.
That moment she was mine, mine, fair,
Perfectly pure and good; I found
A thing to do, and all her hair
In one long yellow string I wound
Three times her little throat around,
And strangled her. No pain felt she;
I am quite sure she felt no pain.
As a shut bud that holds a bee,
I warily oped her lids: again
Laugh'd the blue eyes without a stain
And I untighten'd next the tress
About her neck; her cheek once more
Blush'd bright beneath my burning kiss:
I propp'd her head up as before,
Only, this time my shoulder bore
Her head, which droops upon it still:
The smiling rosy little head,
So glad it has its utmost will,
That all it scorn'd at once is fled,
And I, its love, am gain'd instead!
Porphyria's love: she guess'd not how
Her darling one wish would be heard.
And thus we sit together now,
And all night long we have not stirr'd,
And yet God has not said a word!

----------------

We kill people differently. Sometimes we trample their dreams, ruin their personalities, harm their self-image and although death is something considered to be a crime and thus would have some sort of punishment, the previous ones I have mentioned have a much deeper effect.

I've been killed a lot of times.

I'm still trying to manage how to live.

The steady beat from the machine might reassure a passerby with regards to my existence.

A few high pitched beats.

Once or twice awakened and then back to slumber.

Steady. Monotonous. Bam!

My life.

Wouldn't fit a nutshell.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Snippets from Sara Bareilles

I've done a snippets post before and made use of the lyrics of Owl City's songs. This time I am doing a Sara Bareilles post, since her lyrics are so diverse, vivid and is as always what I like, have a room for wonderful interpretation.

Thirty three songs, compressed in a letter.

Here goes nothing.

Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, man made up a story said that I should believe him. Go and tell your white knight that he's handsome in hindsight, but I don't want the next best thing.

He loves with rhythm and paints with flame. He comes in pieces with no name. I won't need answers, I'll just know. Cause I've read the sonnets about his soul. He can be ordinary in the best ways and still dance like a poet through every word he says.

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe.

Inspire me with blood of blue and green. I have hope, inside is not a heart but a kaleidoscope.

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart, love to watch the colors fade, they may not make sense, but they sure as hell made me.

Take your best shot. Here I stand, heart in hand and fearless I'm not. But I am what I am and I know what I'm not and I know enough to know it's never gonna be much more than weather.

I do what I can wherever I end up to keep giving my good love and spread it around. ‘Cause I've had my fair share of take care and goodbyes. I've learned how to cry and I'm better for that.

Savor the sorrow to soften the pain, sip on the southern rain as I do. I don't look, don't touch, don't do anything, but hope that there is a you.

Here in these deep city lights a girl could get lost tonight. I'm finding every reason to be gone. There's nothing here to hold on to. Could I hold you?

What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song, I will try not to sing out of key.

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me, keep me when I'm hurting and make me hang from your hands.

Your unexpected love provides my solitary's suicide.

You were the air in my breath filling up my love soaked lungs, such a beautiful mess intertwined and overrun. Nothing better than this and then the storm can come, you feel just like the sun.

It isn't something I need 'til you tell me I can't. Why wear my heart on my sleeve when it looks so good in your hand? My heart breaks in a heartbeat and you storm me when you come and go. The taste of something so sweet should have warned me about the undertow.

You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

You may be my final match 'cause I chase everything when you play throw and I play catch. It never took much to keep me satisfied, but all the bullshit you feed me, you miss me, you need me. This hungry heart will not subside.

And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and your twisted words. Your help just hurts.

I'm used to being one with the misfortune to find. Afternoons run for cover and full moons, just wonder what it looks like here on my morningside. Look back, don't you dare let me start. Do that. I don't care if the things that I have only make me afraid to lose. I need to let go. Need to want to keep letting you know that we both have a reason to follow.

Leave unsaid unspoken, eyes wide shut, unopened. You and me. Always between the lines.

Here's a simplification of everything we're going through. You plus me is bad news. But you're a lovely creation and I like to think that I am too.

All my life I've tried to make everybody happy, while I just hurt and hide, waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide.

Goodbye, should be saying that to you by now shouldn't I?

I wish I was pretty. I wish I was brave.

I want to change my mind. I want to be enough.

I'm not the kind to try to tell you lies, but the truth is you've been hiding from it too. I see the end sneaking in behind your eyes, saying everything no words could ever do. Does anybody know how to hold my heart? Cause I don't want to let go.

Locked and loaded, you're practically floating away now in your fortress. You feel like you're more or less safe now. But let me say, I don't mean harm.

Hold me responsible. It's all my fault. I want you to hold me any way you can.

Won't somebody come on in and tug at my seams? Oh, send your armies in of robbers and thieves to steal the state I'm in, I don't want it anymore. You're begging for the truth so I'm saying it to you. I've been saving your place and what good does it do? Now I'm just a basket case. 

You don't have to fight the bad guys, throwing punches out into the black. If you have to tell me lies, I don't care. Just give me some good back. I won't want to be alone. Sky, don't let the sun go. I'm not ready for the darkness. Swear upon a heartless soul.

Careful confessions can't scare you with my crime. I learned my lesson... love you a little at a time.

Leave my love in a letter went to the best on your side.

I dive in and I sink in and I find new colors to think in. I'm fading in and out. What are you supposed to do? Save me now from all this danger. You don't know how? And I'll find my way out.

I don't care how long it takes, I'm not going anywhere, love. You see there, this distance only makes me say it over and over till it gets to you.

The storm is coming soon, it rolls in from the sea. My love, a beacon in the night. My words will be your light, to carry you to me.

I used to believe that the storybook's true. Now I don't need it, at least not with you.

It's never your fault you can't start your own winning streak, but I'd hate to lose you to the fortune you seek.

You meant to make me happy, make me sad. Want to make it better, better so bad. But save your resolutions for your never new year, there is only one solution I can see here. Love, you're all I ever could need. Only one good thing worth trying to be and it's love. 

I do it for love.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

April Fooled You

I got this message on April 1st as I was sifting through my mail:

Happy April Fools' Day. These 5 people:

*are good matches with you.
*are all probably the kind of person you'd grow to hate after a while

Think of them as great divorce material.

It was April Fool's Day, I so know. I didn't try to take any action made by people that day seriously, specially since most of them would play on their relationship statuses. I posted a status message on Facebook claiming I am pregnant, but no one bought it and I saw my aunt as one of the people who liked it (pfft! so much for a joke).

Later that night on the way out of the office, I got on the elevator with one of our managers and he just commented something like,

"That was a banging April Fools joke you did earlier" while grinning.
"You think? Well nobody bought it really." I shrugged.
"Well because we know you're not the promiscuous type anyway." he said matter-of-factly.

I laughed. I don't know if that's part of his April Fools' joke and he just pulled a fast one on me, but man it made my day.

It was a Friday too, meaning I ought to be out partying and stuff, but I found myself bidding my bestfriend goodbye and a wishing her luck (for her date, AJA!) since the guy agreed to meet him in front of a church down south, she was anticipating some sort of surprise, but I think it's not much of a big deal, still I'm the supportive bestfriend so I made a face and told her she's gonna be alright.

I got so used to having her around, an 'us' sort of thing, so with things picking up for her I have to take a back seat and let her do her stuff.

I went out to meet someone anyway, after much coaxing (just saying, I was actually in an argument with myself. haha) and we ended up roadtripping to Tagaytay, but the thing is we never arrived to our destination, we got lost somewhere and just decided to drive back to Manila, with our bag of groceries, half a bottle of Jose Cuervo (which we didn't really drink much, but was spilled all over the car!) and Mc Donald's take out.

I am used to being in the passenger seat, I have claimed that spot for 5 years. It's a weird feeling. I am just existing but I wasn't connecting or saying much. It was much like how it happened before and I got my head around it, decided to leave things as they were.

As soon as I reached home minor headaches are starting to occur, but I haven't really had a hangover ever (because I don't drink much anyway). But I was in some sort of reverie, maybe I am just trying to sublimate, because I have to adjust and give people the space they need in order for them to grow and to achieve a certain level of fulfillment.

At the back of my mind I am worried. I have four bestfriends. A girl, a guy, a gay and a lesbian bestfriend, I've got the best of all worlds (grin), but I want them around more and it's sometimes selfish.

My gay bestfriend was basically with me since he was born, I am like his older sister and his mother is my Godmother, but I don't have anything to do with him being gay as far as I know coz I am pretty boyish while he forever tries to curl my hair and change my do.

My girl bestfriend I met since I was in college, we didn't really hit it off that much until we matured and we started understanding each other. There's a certain level of agreement and an unwritten form of love and acceptance in the communication we share.

My guy bestfriend I met around 6 years ago. He's everything a guy can be and yet he has been caring and sensitive. He was also the one who accompanied me through some major milestones while I was pregnant, he would accompany me to check ups so that I won't suffer much of the insults from discriminating people, but we started to drift because of irregularities in schedules and life in general.

My lesbian bestfriend I met around 3 years ago, she has helped me deal with a lot of stuff and is always on the call. We shared a lot of things together while working with each other.

With bestfriends, you don't really need to be around them a lot to know that they care or to validate that you matter to them, it just happens when you meet, a lot has changed but you don't have to stress on it because you would be so busy babbling about a lot of things, catching up and feel like you were just together yesterday.

I can easily make friends with people. I think. There's this unusual level of trust given to me at certain points at which I don't know if I am really ready to have but they give it willingly so I have nothing to do but to try my best to take care of it. It's really nice when you think about it.

I love them so much, sometimes I get so overprotective.

I remember the instance last week when my girl bestfriend went out with a guy and I was the third wheel. I talked to him when she was in the restroom and it was a sort of an agreement you make with a brother (she doesn't have a brother, so I took over). When she arrived I was on the part of letting him know that even if I am not so menacing I can still kick serious ass, so he shouldn't dare hurt her OR ELSE! Fair warning right?

He seemed like a nice guy really and I can see that she's really happy, so I am crossing my fingers and wishing that this is something that hopefully lasts. Everybody seemed to be in the business of falling in love these days (teehee). Lately we haven't been really together although we're on the same building and roughly the same shift. My mom says it's weird that we even text each other that we miss each other. (oh well, we're not normal anyway)

So for me, since my accomplice isn't gonna be going out much because of certain developments in her life, I would probably lie low. In 3 months I have gone out more than I did in like two years combined (2009 and 2010). It has been fun-filled, interesting and most of all, totally unforgettable.

There's always a sort of thrill and excitement when you step over lines and cross boundaries.

I'm fine for now.
I got my fix.
Back to the bat cave.

I don't have any idea what the future holds, it's better that way. I love surprises anyway.

I think you have a rough idea that I'm not gonna be stuck.

I would still take risks from time to time. It's inevitable.

The blanket of security seems promising, but not for me.

I'm still in love.

It's the most wonderful thing!

Friday, April 1, 2011

How to be Alone


By Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, and you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you can hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in.

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging out with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously  avoided based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers.
Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat, lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silver ware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it's dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst the fleeting community.

And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching... because they're probably not. And, if they are, assume with it is best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened, had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alonedome, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems, if, after awhile, nobody is dating them. But lonely is freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You can stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps, it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head then solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you.All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting, life's magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. Take silence and respect it. If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. If your family doesn't get you, or a religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

You could be in an instant, surrounded if you needed it.
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it.
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

=====

I like the video since I saw it and I like listening to her soothing voice. It might sound like a justification to us all, but for her it's much more. An attempt to give meaning and to conquer her demons.

In a way, it gives you an idea of how someone tries their best to combat unhappiness (or so they think), the definition is dictated which most of the time is not exactly what people have in mind. Being 'alone' is sometimes synonymous to 'unhappiness' but it wasn't always the case.

Man is a social animal. He thrives in groups, in cliques, in societies, there's this incessant need to belong, to prove that you matter and to know that you exist.

I know.
I still do.

Experiencing things firsthand has always been a good way to learn, you just don't appreciate it right away, coz at the time you thought you failed.

On a different note:

*I am renewing my vow
*I wanna be rainbow colored by June. Hair, please grow longer faster.
*I am eager to watch the last installment of Harry Potter.
*I don't know if I want it soon really, it's like ending my teenhood? (haha)
*I need to find myself a hard bound copy of the 6th book too.
*I should make time for my closet. (drats!)
*I like the pink rose stud earrings someone gave me. *twinkling eyes*
*I realize I've been asked out a lot since I got my hair straightened. (whoa!)
*On that note, I am confused if I like it or not.
*I want to go to a concert.
*I want to go to a ball game just so I can scream.
*I had to spend my life savings to save someone's life. (worth it)
*I'm going back to the start. (which is hard, but welcomed)
*Being organized is not my cup of tea.
*Cooking is still something dreadful. (I'm learning)
*I don't have much use of my phone, until recently. (it rings! haha)
*I used to not care about fashion, but now it's embracing me. (still don't care. LOL)
*Nightmares are inevitable.
*I still wake up crying from them.
*No one's gonna wake me up so I had to.
*And it's a good thing I had the walls of my room destroyed.
*I can see my Mom and my brother from my bed and it makes me calm down.
*Privacy wasn't something I really care about much. (now)
*I realized I am now making my bed. (Mom is pleased)
*I know how to make my bed, but I just choose not to.
*Going home to a neatly made up bed made me feel so alone. (for a very long time)
*Some jokes are corny, some just hurt.
*I'm scared even of toy snakes. (I cried)
*I get scared when things get out of hand.
*Winning doesn't always feel good.
*I lost almost 5 kilos already. (Yay! or Nay!)
*Some people think my books are serving as a neat cover up.
*Sometimes they are, but I don't really escape.
*I miss being tickled.
*Hugs are far more intimate than kisses or sex.
*Even just 5 minutes of unadulterated attention given to someone is a good gift.
*The more I practice writing the more horrible my handwriting becomes. (haha)
*I wanna go cloud watching.
*Time stands still when you're looking at a broken clock. (wicked!)
*I wanna do some fast forwards and a few rewinds.
*Listening to music, reading and writing at the same time is not working for me.
*Mangoes are in season. (Yum!)
*I consumed a whole lot of juice this week.
*Someone told me my skin is so smooth and supple. (I touched hers too!)
*I am loving red lipsticks.
*Shaving is dictated by the clothes you wear. (if you're a girl)
*I need to shave. (tsk tsk)
*I don't like shaving. (ho hum)
*Off shoulder dresses and shirts are good for me. (my shoulders are fine. I was told)
*James Durbin reminds me of Adam Lambert (with the Tourette's and all)
*Your Song is a song for someone, but I always feel it's for me. (sigh)
*People tend to sing when I tell them my name. (Cherie Amour and Cherry Cherry lady)
*It always amuses me. *grin*
*I still have to have my name corrected. (ugh)
*I do want to go out of the country.
*I still don't know why I am not even trying to get a passport. (dumb)
*In the years I existed, this year has been the most interesting by far.
*I'm 27.
*'Me a rare villain, a shy?' is a phrase I came up with using the letters of my name. (sounds hill billy I know ~_^)
*I've already went too far from the topic I originally presented (ADD tendencies ^_^)

Monday, March 28, 2011

Ambivalence

"There's only NOW. There's only HERE. 
Give in to LOVE, or live in FEAR.
No other path, no other way.
NO DAY BUT TODAY"
- Rent

The cool breeze of the wind slightly brushed my cheeks, I've been waiting for a couple of minutes now at the spot we agreed to meet. He's a perennial late comer but instead of bringing this up to him, I couldn't utter a single word as his presence overpowers me every time.

I wonder what his next excuse would be or if he would even bother making one, I'm sure he knows I'm here already, eager and waiting for him to come. I should've known it is going to be this way, since I was the one who confessed my true emotions and risked everything to just have the chance to be with him. I'm with him now. Am I happy?

The thought lingered for a bit, I love saying his name. The way it escapes my breath and the taste of his lovely lips against mine. It's got to be today, there's no other day, I said to myself.

I've always had this belief that if I had to think twice in making a decision I would probably not gonna end up doing it, until I was faced with much more difficult choices and far more complicated ones that thinking twice (or probably a lot more than that) can be good. It's not, it shouldn't be.

The moon is in its full bloom, I feel that I can trace the beams it emits and bathe in its glory. How can you be like that, Glorious Moon? Why did you choose to show your beauty tonight when I am about to fall into this heap of madness?

Sitting by myself in a park bench while there are probably a lot of places I can be is not very appealing not even to the other people who seemed to be already lost in lovers' lane. Why do we have to meet here anyway? More importantly, why did I agree? 

I checked my phone and saw a few messages, maybe one is his I thought.

It's not.

I decided to send him another message, I typed: "I am here already, where are you? Are you coming? I'm leaving in 10 minutes if you're still not here." Sent.

My phone rang. It's him.

"Hey"

- "I won't be able to make it in 10 minutes. I'm on my way."

"Okay"

- "Is there something wrong?"

"We need to talk"

- "Hmm. I'll be there, please wait."

"Okay, we need to talk tonight. I will be here, just try to hurry before the mosquitoes finish me off."

- "Haha. Funny. I'll see you in a while."

"Hurry. Bye."

A few minutes passed by and a car parked in front of me.

- "Let's go!"

I didn't say a word as I got inside the car. He drove up a few miles from there and we stopped in front of his apartment.

- "What's wrong?"

"We need to talk"

- "Can it wait until we're inside?"

He went out of the car and got his keys.

- "Lock it when you go out"

I stepped out of the vehicle and exhaled. I am trembling as I walked to his front door which he left open. He went straight to the kitchen it seems, I sat in the sofa, I still don't feel quite comfortable but I managed to stop trembling at least. He emerged from the kitchen carrying a bottle of beer.

- "Want anything honey?"

"Water will be fine, thanks."

- "Hmm.. why are you so formal? You are weird."

"Come closer, I don't want to go shouting all night."

- "Coming!"

He sat right beside me on the sofa, I can smell his manly scent this close and see the man I have always loved, who never noticed my existence until I comforted him during the time he thought everyone left him and was so depressed, now he's back up and I am happy that he is, I just felt things have changed.

- "So?" he grinned.

He held my hands and looked at me.

"I don't know how to say this..." I started.

- "Is there something wrong?"

"Sweetie, I think it's something I did" I muttered guiltily.

- "What is it? Is there someone else? Did you do something? Tell me!" he said hastily.

"No, there's no someone else and I didn't exactly do anything... it's just..."

- "Just what?"

His grip is slowly tightening and I can see my arms slowly turning from red to purple. I loosened it a bit and held his hands and returned his seemingly lost gaze.

"I am not happy..."

- "Not happy? Did I do anything wrong? I know I have been so egotistic and I may not have been the best boyfriend you can have but I am doing my best, is it because I don't have time for you lately? Don't do this to me, I need you, you know I need you... please don't"

I gently pressed his hands and started massaging them, I can feel them turning cold and tense while I can feel my self slowly relaxing, "Here we go again" I thought. I am again comforting him and falling into the trap of his neediness.

"Dear...?"

I moved my right hand to touch his face which looked devastated, I made him look at me as if telling him to try his best to understand what I am about to say. He's silent and waiting, while tensed but I think this is the best time for me to do this, it has to be tonight.

"Dear, I know what I'm about to say would be tough to handle or understand as of now, but I want you to promise me that you are not in anyway gonna do something stupid that would probably hurt yourself or me. Can you do that?"

He nodded, although I know it's just an automatic response, I continued.

"Okay" I sighed exasperatedly.

"I want you to know that I truly and honestly love you and would always will. In fact you are the ONLY man I have ever loved this much by far."

- "If that's how you feel then why are we having this conversation? Tell me it's gonna be okay please? It's gonna be okay right?" he muttered.

"Take it easy and try not to overreact dear. I am not happy with the way things are going, I am not myself anymore and it's not gonna be healthy for our relationship if I continue and just deteriorate over time. I just need ample time to get things together. I hope you understand."

- "I am not getting any of these... Why are you not happy? You still didn't answer the question. Are you leaving me... for good?"

"Do you love me?" I asked.

- "Of course. Yes. Definitely. I love you! I need you in my life. What's the matter with you?"

"Do you need me because you love me or do you love me because you NEED me?"

Silence.

"It's a tough question right?"

He was still and unable to look into my eyes.

"I don't want this whole thing to blow over. Look. I love you. I really really do. But I don't want to be someone you are with because you need me. I will always be here for you no matter what but I feel you and I need some space between us to think about 'US'. It pains me to say these things, but I had to, we're absolutely going nowhere and I feel trapped..."

- "I am so confused... I'm sorry. I don't know what to say..."

"You don't have to say anything, it's tough for you too, but I totally understand... I love you enough to let you go. I promise I'll always be here for you, you don't have to feel that we have to be together, we don't have to... And I need to love myself more, I love you more than I love myself and I am doing all of this to me now... you see?

I am not saying I am right and you are wrong... but I don't want us to get to the point of hurting each other. I jumped in too soon and might've taken advantage of you at your weakest and now you are slowly taking over me, I need to get myself together... it's the only real thing I have."

- "You have ME."

I feel my heart pounding, his words are definitely something I don't want to hear right now. I have made my decision and I have to stand by it no matter what he says.

- "You have ME. I love you. It's also true that I NEED you, but I somehow cannot seem to quantify anything as of this moment, all I know is I don't want you to leave me. I know it sounded selfish but I do. I AM. I am a big complicated mess but this complicated mess becomes something when I'm with you... This egotistic depressed idiot wants to spend his life with you, only WITH you.

You said you LOVE me enough to let me go? I am not willing to go that way... not yet.. not ever."

"But..."

- "But what? Tell me straight... in my face! Tell me that you want to leave... tell me that you want to be alone! Tell me that you don't need me as much as I NEED you! And I'm gonna tell you, how a bad liar you are! Come on! I DARE you!"

"We're not seeing eye to eye. You need to calm down, this is not easy for me... And YES, all you said were true.."

- "Then please... please give me the chance to make it up to you. You only made these known to me today, you have been silent... I thought we were okay, I thought everything's fine. We're in this together. Don't do this yourself. I love you and I am not letting go. I'm not giving up just yet, I know how much I love you. I may have failed in showing you that, in some aspects but I am loving you the best way I know how to... it's never easy... nothing is... but you are very important to me and I don't want to lose you now.. not ever... unless the day comes that you don't love me anymore."

I fell silent. This is not what I have planned and it's getting out of my control. Was I the one who overreacted? Ugh.. my mind is not processing these thoughts clearly. It's all becoming hazy and unclear. I eased up a bit and fell backwards unceremoniously.

- "You love me?"

I sighed.

- "You love me." he smiled faintly.

"It hasn't been easy loving you, but I do."

- "I love you... so much and try not to doubt that even for one second please."

"You are the only person who have all the capacity to hurt me."

- "But you're still here."

"Yes. You drive me crazy, up these walls and yet if given a chance I would still do it over again. I am failing miserably."

- "I'll give you the space you need and all the time you need to 'get things together'. This time I'll be here for you...

But... I'm warning you. You haven't gotten rid of me okay? You're stuck with me for as long as I live... I promise you that."

I nodded.

- "Cheer up. I don't understand anything, but I will try... you deserve so much more, I know that. But I am willing to toil to make you happy, I am not going to argue with you this time, it would be pointless... but I am always here."

He hugged me, real tight. I can feel my bones shaking a bit and for a second I thought my lungs are going to give in, but it didn't. It's got to be today. Yes. It happened today. I knew he loved me. He loves me. I smiled.

- "I can't believe how hard headed you are. And I didn't know how clever you can be, I know you are smiling and don't dare hide this from me."

I bit my lip.

- "You scared me, I can't believe I fell for that one. Naughty girl. I will make you pay!"

"Don't burst my bubble just yet mister! All the things I told you are true, but I never imagined it to happen like this, you and your puppy-dog-eye technique!"

- "You know, I don't want this to ever happen again between us. I know you have made a lot of adjustments for me and I have been a big baby and an even bigger headache and I still am and will be I think..."

I raised an eyebrow.

- "I'm just being honest... wait, look, err. I can't promise you anything, not even a smooth and happy relationship, I won't be able to give you a life like that of the stories we read together."

"The ones I force you to read to me. Yeah. I know."

- "No dear, hold on. I know how much you love to be read to, I can see how your eye twinkles every time I pick up the book you like and read it to you before we sleep or whenever we can, that even if I am trying to be manly I let you get away with that, because it's something I do for you, and it makes me happy that for some moments I can make you happy."

"I'm sorry for making you do that. But my eyes twinkle and you notice?" batting my eyelashes.

- "Yeah. It works you know. I love the feeling you make me feel. You make me feel needed too, like I am someone important and that I actually matter, even if I know how strong and able you are in continuing with your life and I am the one who needs you more."

"I have always liked to be read to, but not like a kid though. You know why I love it?"

- "Why?" His arms are now circling around me and my head is now resting on his chest and I can hear his heart beat.

"It might be childish but... it's because I feel safe when I hear your voice, but every time you speak to me, it's like you are commanding and you are not you, but when you read to me, you become something else, more vulnerable but still enigmatic. You become you. And it's so strange, like... like... like I'm always in a trance and feeling your body vibrate and the emotions you invoke are far more revealing than when you speak..."

- "You are a real weird girl, you know that?"

"Mmhmm"

- "That's what makes you so special and I hate myself that I almost lost you."

I just sat there stunned.

- "Perhaps love is the process of my leading you back to yourself."

I looked up surprised with what I heard.

- "Did I get it right?"

"You remembered. Wind, Sand and Stars." I muttered astonishingly.

- "Don't get so teary eyed on me dear, I know you like them and I am not putting up with them, sometimes I just like it when you push me to do it, so it means so much more. I guess we both need to work on having our ways, you think?" he said grinning.

"I almost shooed you away. And everything has been a total misunderstanding."

- "You won't be able to tell someone off that easily dear, especially someone who cares about you. It's just not the way it's supposed to happen, we have differences, major ones. We can go MENTAL, on each other, but it's part of the process and we're learning."

"So you think I am going MENTAL on you?"

- "Umm... we just patched things up, go easy on the mental thing okay?"

"Nah. I'm still stuck with the phrase you just quoted."

- "Antoine de Saint-Exupery, but it wasn't from that book... Leo Buscaglia quoted it in one of his, one of his books you love, there's one more I remembered exactly from him..."

"What?"

- "I love you with all your hang ups too." he winked.

"How come we have to wait for these moments to do these stuff?" I am close to tears.

- "I think I need to be shaken up sometimes, or WE need to be shaken up, we became so complacent at least I know I have been, coz I know you'll always be there and I trust that you love me so much."

"Men, resting with their laurels"

- "There goes my feminist sweetheart. I love you!"

"You promised to give me space... uh uh uh... not too close." I laughed.

- "Did I? I forgot. And this space, did I tell you how much space I will be giving you?"

"Hmmm... not really, why? Are you taking it back?" I said testily.

- "Is that a trick question?"

"No silly. We can still have space, like time outs and stuff but tonight I don't think I want that... not with you quoting the way you just did... that is just sooooo sexy."

- "Me and my brilliance in trouble."

"Uh huh. You still have 'Water for Elephants' right?"

- "I knew it would come to that! HAH!"

"We're gonna do this differently tonight." I bit my lip and winked.

- "Not complaining dear... never."

At that moment we both laughed. We both got what we wanted and we wanted to be with each other. True enough there are tons of bickerings that might follow and a whole lot of disappointments perhaps. The union of two imperfect souls who chose to love each others' imperfections is a majestic craft only few would understand and conquer.

They do.

Love?

It's everything everybody is aiming for, but seldom would they give it freely, unabashedly.

"The best part of being in love is when you just love a person and be happy about it even if we know that it cannot last forever. That is the true essence of love.

It's NOT about WINNING someone.
It's NOT about OWNING a relationship.
It's just about being happy because you know you have loved someone.
It's about being guiltless because you know you did not take away anyone from anybody.

You just love and loved unselfishly."

Note: This piece is purely fiction any similarities to actual events or people are not intended by the author.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Submission

There's more to the affinity with rules
There's constancy,
but boredom is not so far behind.
There's order,
 yet the need for chaos surfaces
slowly, almost incredibly baffling.

'Follow and you will be rewarded'
so I was told.
But the reward is not what I have hoped
flashes of a promising life,
then I covered both eyes
and blurred the vision of incredulous lies.

The unknown is captivating,
to delve in realms of adventure and peril,
twisting, turning, falling, feeling.
Until you break an ankle and bruise your ego
'enough damage to alter reality'
some wise man said so.

Talk about my lost sense of inertia,
resting numbly under the comforts of challenging pursuits.
Day to day battles,
elaborate plans of future conquests
delicately covers the hollowness of a soul,
a soul searching, a soul unwanted.

Question, try it without reason,
and answers stare blankly with no direction.
The man exists
as it is, never becoming, just being.
Amiable destruction awaits
step closer and your match is made.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Wonderful Insanity

I'm NOT normal.

I am not even remotely kidding when I said that. It's gonna be so odd, but if you probably took the time to read some of my posts you would probably have a slight idea how I define normality and rebel against it in certain ways (probably not so obvious, but my inner radical continues to reinforce and reaffirm).

I am different, but at times I like blending in, it's a need and also a talent slowly harnessed over time. I am happiest during the times I am insane. Normality drives me up the walls, but it gives me ample time to pull back and recover.

Yesterday, I was feeling mediocre. I am not depressed, I guess when people confide to me I get involved in it so much that I get to somehow feel their pain too. I just need some sort of break, any break would do.

We were about to go home and end the routine that the boring day brought but my bestfriend insisted on going to our 'sanctuary'. A lot of things come up during our stays in our 'sanctuay', even if it's always full of random people, who are sometimes eavesdropping with our probably jaw-drop-inducing conversations *grin*.

Almost 12 years of knowing each other, we still discover something new. We're on the topic of quirks and she termed my confessions as extreme quirks (evil girl you!). We talked for five hours and we didn't realize it was THAT long until we saw the dawn almost breaking (ugh!). 

It's good to be different, it's great when you are accepted despite your weirdness.

My relationship with my bestfriend has so far been the longest I was able to keep, there's just one thing I realize about it... that every time we commit mistakes or piss each other off (I'm a perennial late comer, she always gets pissed about that LOL) we are always reminded that it is a temporary lapse and it's not gonna affect us unless we prolong it, so in essence we drive each other insane.

That being said I am trying to have a rundown of things that keeps me sane by making me insane (in no particular order) apart from my bestfriend and my little feisty tyke:

*Multicolored Cotton Candy
*Swings
*Wonka's Gobstoppers
*Crispy Fried Chicken
*Rollerblades
*Double Dutch Ice Cream (or any ice cream LOL)
*Demitri Martin's thought provoking sketches
*Music (especially my ultimate pick me up song Everafter)
*The search for the elusive Ruby Red Shoes (fine. shoes in general.)
*Books
*SALE
*Dresses (especially with flowy skirts *wink*)
*Text Twist (I should get a life. LOL)
*Pillows (the more the merrier! yay!)
*Mirrors
*Cheesecake (!)
*Dance Floor
*Mojito
*CBD's shake and bake
*peanut butter
*15 letter sentences/phrases
*palindromes (that actually make sense)
*color contrasts that work
*eccentric people
*seeing how models breakdown on national television (hilarious)
*mass medias attempt at so called 'reality'
*the moon, stars and other 'heavenly' bodies (when I look at them, I go into a trance)
*latest science breakthroughs (2010 Breakthroughs)
*Mythbusters!
*Matthew Gray Gubler (especially his recording of  Anabel Lee, which I listen to when I am unable to sleep)
*the color pink
*fluffy stuff
*LACE
*Lingerie (love!)
*beaches
*chocolates
*interesting stories (written or told)

I could probably have a whole lot more of stuff but I think the list would be this for now.

 
I'm ending this post with a quote from the wonderful Jean Dubuffet, who I believed have described my insanity the best. "For  me, insanity is super sanity. The normal is psychotic. Normal means lack of imagination, lack of creativity." RIGHT ON!

Friday, March 18, 2011

But I AM Present

Leo Buscaglia is one of the authors I admire the most, he's not creating novels to reflect upon, he just merely exhausted his lifetime on trying to open people's minds into what I like to call 'How to be' and did his best to let people know the beauty of living the REAL life. He doesn't exactly have the happy endings or best of times to boot, but I can really find depth into the simple words he scribbled and the experiences he shared whether it be about life, love, education or simply being or becoming.

In one of his books I came across a poem from a girl who committed suicide when she was 20 years old, her name is Michelle and this is because she felt the people around her doesn't value her as her, but rather they all want her to be someone... someone she found so hard to identify with. She died in 1967 and she wrote 25 poems, a little book that was published to probably create an awareness for us on how we should treat the people around us, specially those who try their best to be what we want them to be.

I Am Neither A Sacrilege Or A Privilege. I May Not Be Competent or Excellent, But I Am Present.
By -Michelle

My happiness is me, not you.
Not only because you may be temporary,
But also because you want me to be what I am not.
I cannot be happy when I change
Merely to satisfy your selfishness.
Nor can I feel content when you criticise me
for not thinking your thoughts,
Or for seeing like you do.
You call me a rebel.
And yet each time I have rejected your beliefs
You have rebelled against mine.
I do not try to mold your mind.
I know you are trying hard enough to be just you.
And I cannot allow you to tell me what to be-
for I am concentrating on being me.
You said that I was transparent
And easily forgotten.
But why then did you try to use my lifetime,
To prove to yourself who you are?

For me, I think love is not about potentiality, like thinking of how fine a person they can be in the long run although at some point we may be lead to believe in that way. Love is about accepting a person for what they already are, slowly discovering each other and growing together, changing hand in hand, adjusting and compromising. It's not falling for the idea of a person or love. There's just no buts, ifs or maybes that should be present. It's about someone affecting you in such a way that you can live without them, but you would be too encompassed in their being that you would choose not to.

When you expose yourself to someone, you risk the chance for that someone to cause you pain and suffering.

But you do.

WE all do.