Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Of Fears and Insecurities

"I think this is going to be a long night."

Were the words you mouthed as you looked outside through the dark windowpane in the corner room we have decided to take shelter for the night. I saw the hopeful gleam in your eyes, as if suggesting that this is all fabricated to put us closer together.

I managed to mutter the words, "What made you say that?" and tried my best to sound mad, but apparently my voice had shaken a bit. Still I took refuge on the fact that you are not looking at me still and haven't put much thought on noticing the faltering of my emotions.

You amaze me, in so many ways and yet I still choose not to disclose it for I know how proud you can get, and I won't give you the chance to take advantage of me, at least I try not to.

"You were saying?"

- "Oh, umm. Nothing. I was just trying to figure out how I will tell my Mom that I will not be going home tonight, she might worry you know."

"Tell her, you are with me then"

- "Are you being subtle in that way? She doesn't know you so well, remember that"

"Yeah, yeah."

As I reach for my purse and turned away, I can feel the sting of your stare at the back of my neck. It sure feels weird to be in this situation just when I have decided to stop entertaining thoughts of being with you. Yes, I stopped.

Why?

I didn't exactly know. But I just feel that I should, as you made your advances much more intense and direct as the days go by. Deep inside me lies an unexpressed feeling waiting to be submerged in your being and it scares me more to delve in that level.

I am over thinking right?

After a seemingly long while of searching my relatively small bag, coupled with the coldness enveloping this room making my hands and feet wobble a bit, I am finally able to find what I was looking for, my phone. As I started a short and direct text message explaining my whereabouts to the only person who might die of worrying, I noticed you as you circle the room. I tried my best not to pay attention, but your mere presence heightens up my anxiety, your lean arms and chest, the haughtiness in your stance it makes my world crumble in so many ways.

Message sent.

Hopefully that takes care of Mom, but I can't seem to find enough courage to put down the phone and do nothing, while you exist a few steps away from me. This is so childish, even thinking about it, coz part of my brain tells me that you are not even aware that I am having these delusions about this whole scenario.

"HELLO?"

Flushed and disoriented I dropped my phone. Instinctively you reached out for it and as our hands collided, static electricity ran through quickly and made us both jump.

"DAMN IT!"

- "Ouch!"

"You know this is not what I had in mind... The rain was not my plan just so you know. Can you just get a grip of yourself and try to relax, you are scaring me."

- "What? I am not exactly thinking about anything."

"What's up?"

- "Nothing."

"Come on, tell me. There's obviously something."

- "Well nothing in particular, I was just... I just find it funny that we ended up here. I mean we could've just went some place else, like I don't know, just some place else"

"Oh okay, understandable. I'm sorry for putting you in this position, I know what you're thinking, that I am such a jerk for taking advantage and all, but truly I am not. You can take the bed, I'm fine with the couch."

- "Thanks."

I'm not a very timid girl. I don't like it a cinch. But I need to keep still and quiet in here, I do wanna talk to you, but I don't know exactly what to say. I don't even want to look at your face, or your eyes. Yeah... specially your eyes.

Stay away from your melting gaze. Right. I'll definitely keep that in mind.

I stood up and was stuck in thinking what I should do. I took my bag and headed to the bathroom, turned on the light and looked at my reflection in the hazy mirror. My mind is a bit out of focus today and I shook my head a bit just to get the feel of holding myself together.

Running water from the tap seemed calming, the tub is really inviting. Holding my fingers against the water, feeling it's steady stream of coldness cover my hand I took off my shoes and dipped my bare feet in the not so deep water.

It is cold.

A few moments later, I found myself undressed submerged in the joyous feel of bubbly water. I keep forgetting where I was, where I should be, or as to why I am here in the first place, I just know that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else at this moment. I can feel the calmness now encompassing my being, and I can no longer hear your footsteps.

You probably are asleep now, it has also been a long day for you. And I've been hard on you I guess... but I'm not gonna give you the chance to take advantage of me. No. Never.

A knock on the door, had awoken me from dreaming.

"What are you doing there?"

- "Would you mind your own business? I'm trying to relax here."

"What sort of relaxation is taking that long? I need to pee. Come on!"

- "Okay, okay! Can't you just go pee somewhere else? Like in the lobby or something?"

"Lobby? Are you insane? I. NEED. TO. PEE. NOW!"

- "Will you cut the shouting out? I'm coming out now."

It's bad that my pseudo relaxation is over, what's worst is that I need to dress up real fast coz the person on the other end of this door might just make his way in any moment I turn the knob. Towels.

Wrapped in a towel, I turned to the door and turned the knob. He was standing right outside and seemed to jump about. Okay, he has a valid point. I never saw this man look this silly before. I am trying to suppress my chuckle big time, but as you emerged from the door, I realized you were eyeing on me.

- "W-what?"

I tried my best to grit my teeth and close my mouth to hide my grin, but I knew you noticed it right away.

"So you're being funny huh? Smart ass!"

- "Me? Umm. No."

"Why are you so defensive, when it comes to me? Is this still because of the fact that I like you so much? What's there to be defensive about?"

Stunned. I tried to keep myself in check. I mustered all the courage to open my mouth and tell you exactly how I feel, but I just can't. Not now. Not in this scenario.

"So?"

- "Nothing."

"Why are you trying to evade the question? Wait, I think the better question is, why are you trying to avoid me?"

- "I am not trying to avoid you or that question or whatever you have in mind. I am just.. umm... just."

"What? See? I knew it, you ARE avoiding it, me and everything."

- "Let's not talk about it please, I am just not ready for these things. Don't push me."

"You are the one who's pushing me away. Okay I will stop, please don't cry."

- "Don't look at me like that. I think I need to get my clothes now, the room is getting colder as we speak, we'll have to be up real early tomorrow morning so I can drop by my house and get some clothes, I wouldn't want to wear the ones I have now again. People might think something's up and I don't like that. Excuse me."

As I reached for the door, I was half hoping for you to hold me and pull me gently to a tight embrace. I wondered how those arms would feel around my cold body, it could probably melt my heart, but you didn't. You stood there. Judging by the way you looked at the wall in front of you, you are as confused as I am right now. Probably a bit more.

Once again faced with the mirror bearing the accusing reflection of a stray woman, crying in agony, deep in anguish, hollowed by despair and toughened with pride. I was not supposed to not like you back, I do like you in many levels I am sure. Can you just prove to me that I was wrong for making this decision?

Can you just give me this moment to live this intense passion within me?

The coldness still envelops my heart. I am no one. I can never be the one. I am not that courageous to take this risk. I am not who you think I am. I am longing for the person at the other end of this room and yet I still choose to stand here sulking instead of sharing an amazing night with him.

My own insecurities are killing every tiny bit of hope in my soul.

The walls seemed to be closing in on me now. I need to go out and breathe. As I opened the door, you caught me and pulled me close.

"We will make this work, please don't be afraid to take this risk with me."

...

My heart is beating so much faster.

Silence.

Faster.

"Please. I am not letting you go."

My feet is slowly failing me now.

"Look at me."

I am trying my best to move. Feet. Falling. Beat. Faster.

You cupped my face with your right hand.

"Trust me. I love you."

Tears.

Fell.

Heart.

Sank.

Eyes.

Closed.

Kiss.

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