Saturday, December 25, 2010

101 Facts About the Radical Diva

101. I am a picky eater.
100. I want to meet Neil Gaiman, the Dalai Lama and the Pope.

 99. I had a girlfriend.
 98. I wanted to be a lawyer, until I realized that Denial, Defense and Dehumanization can be part of the job description.
 97. I've always wanted to join a Game Show on TV.
 96. I've been to more fistfights than romantic dates. :P
 95. Can't and Hate are two words that are not on my dictionary.
 94. When I was 17 I spent the night in jail.
 93. I am a Geek.
 92. I have a thing with men who wear glasses or have a 4 o'clock beard. I really don't know why.
 91. I love the beach.
 90. I don't think I will ever ride a rollercoaster. *shiver*
 89. I don't think I can live in a house without my own dog.
 88. I am claustrophobic.
 87. I love peanut butter, I just don't like it with anything else.
 86. I seriously am addicted to suspense thriller, books, series or movies. I am a sucker for it.
 85. I love the color pink, because it's so girly. Something I am not. ü
 84. I am sensitive to odors... I associate them with the most special feelings and person.
 83. I was told by a doctor that I won't be able to walk again. Yeah he might be right, coz I am always frolicking and jumping about.
 82. Three things that should always be in my bag (except for necessities) are an umbrella, sunglasses and my vanity kit.
 81. I was never fond of cats.
 80. I started school when I was 2 years old and got my degree at 19.
 79. I will go gay for Katy Perry or Zoey Deschanel. ü
 78. I am not the domesticated type of girl.
 77. I wasn't able to drive a car when I got into an accident. Never rode a motorbike since I toppled over.
 76.  I love the smell and the sound of rain and have always dreamt of making out with someone underneath a stormy sky... *sigh*
 75. I am a feminist.
 74. I like guys who have love handles and can cover my body entirely if they hug me. ü
 73. I don't like coffee.
 72. I had a musical box with a ballerina doing pirouettes when I was younger. I've always searched for something like it until now.
 71. I am super giggly and very ticklish.
 70. I'll choose boxers over thongs anytime.
 69. I've never watched porn.
 68. I am a lip gloss addict.
 67. I've always been allergic to my favorite food, but I keep on eating it still. I guess this means I am hardheaded!
 66. I always order onion rings to eat the rings and not the onion. ü
 65. I love doing hula hoops.
 64. I have a peanut shaped birthmark on my right lower chest.. I think it's cute. ü
 63. Dancing makes me feel elated, even if I look silly doing it.
 62. I wanna have my very own nude portrait, while my body is still okay.
 61. I've always wanted to be a ballerina when I was younger but I didn't knew I had vertigo so I can't do those pirrouettes.
 60. I would want to travel the world. I will do it.
 59. When I am nervous or stressed I nailbite.
 58. I was 6 months training short on becoming a cop.
 57. I am very pushy. If you get swayed easily, you are in trouble with me. You have to push back and be stubborn, coz if not I will just make decisions for you.
 56. I used to be so scared of using public restrooms.
 55. I am dead scared of snakes and other creepy crawlies.
 54. Once when I was younger I tried slashing my wrists in front of mom and dad to stop them from fighting.
 53. I've always been an adrenaline junkie.
 52. I love swings, whenever I see one I will go psych and try it. ü
 51. I never owned a barbie nor a teddy bear when I was younger.
 50. Me and my son was both born on a Monday.
 49. If I would want a really bad ass job, I would probably be a bounty hunter.
 48. I believe in the whole concept of a higher being but I don't pray to ask much rather give thanks and do work.
 47. I stutter when I am excited.
 46. I used to have really long hair and my dad didn't want to cut it so it reached my knees.
 45. I love the smell of freshly baked bread in the morning, would hold it up against my cheeks and eat something else. LOL
 44. I want to skydive.
 43. I've always loved strawberry flavored stuff but haven't actually eaten the actual strawberry. ü
 42. I have actually been stalked by some people before.
 41. I am the type of person who likes things that aren't liked by many people. I like being different and going against the current even if it means fashion or social suicide... ü
 40.  I am a cotton candy addict.
 39. My dad was a gambler, and he taught me cheats and tricks in gambling when i was like old enough to count :D
 38. I am the type of person whom if i feel you don't like me I won't bother knowing you, but if I don't like you I will try to figure why I don't and see if I can like you.
 37. I am a real messy bessy.
 36. I developed a phobia with people saying "i'm gonna be here for you forever, i promise" coz apparently when someone says that, they tend to disappear completely.
 35. I have a fairly good memory and sometimes I hate it coz it reminds me of things I want to forget.
 34. I am practically a late bloomer and until now I think I still haven't been in an actual date. :P
 33. I am big on the ego thing, though I would usually forget about it I would seldom say sorry to people, but just avoid talking about it.
 32. I love letters. Writing them and getting them. I think it's just so sweet and personal and I love it even more.
 31. I am a go getter and a very independent woman, but I've always wanted to be a plain housewife. ü
 30. I have always been everything to people, the motivator, the counselor, the bestfriend, but was never the ONE.
 29. I wanna go hitch hiking with someone.
 28. I have a horrible handwriting due to dysgraphia.
 27. I was almost married twice, both times I called it off. It was stupid. But I am happier this way.
 26. For me it has always been dignity over curiosity... I'm starting to favor the latter lately though. *exciting*
 25. I had my hair until my knees when I was younger.
 24. Before I turned 24, I had everything planned and every plan I was able to pursue and achieve but it wasn't fun. 
 23. I am a licensed teacher. I just don't think I need it after I got it, coz I can still teach without it anyway.
 22. The first time I played an online RPG, I puked after.
 21. I grew up with 8 women I call Mama, one Mommy, and a Nanay, same with Papa, Daddy and Tatay.
 20. I learned to bike after my older cousin pushed me off in one down a curve and got my legs badly bruised and I fell on an open manhole with murky water... yikes!
 19. I realized I can't delete my google footprint that easily, I have like more than 20 accounts online.
 18. I've always let my heart decide on things, and it gave me men who can't decide on things. 
 17. Sometimes, I burst out laughing in dead silence at something that just cross my mind.
 16. In connection, my mind is so active that I can talk about multiple separated topics and interconnect them easily.
 15. I easily get jealous.
 14. I always wish on stars and wishing fountains.
 13. I seldom go to mass, but I always give thanks.
 12. I hate it when people try to sway me into their beliefs, it makes me not like it more or not listen in anyway.
 11. I always do things that can challenge me into overcoming my fear, in essence I think I fear myself the most.
 10. At this point in my life, I am given much choices to choose from and now I get to have a difficult time choosing. 
  9. I vow to my kid that I won't date until he is old enough to give me permission too, I'm still working on keeping that promise.
  8. I am in search for someone to keep my life worthwhile.
  7. The first time someone told me "I love you." I laughed. I shouldn't do it again.
  6. I talk a lot, especially when I am nervous. If I don't talk I'm sick.
  5. I love watching movies, and I cry at the same scenes over and over again.
  4. I hated my Birthday since I was old enough to appreciate presents, I always get the "Merry Christmas and a Happy Birthday" tagline every year.
  3. I have a wedding ring, from my Grandmother. It was passed on for 3 generations in my family and the first born female always gets it.
  2. A fortune teller told me, I am not meant to marry someone from my country. hmmm. LOL. I wonder who could it be?
  1. I fall in love easily, and stay in love for a really long while. I don't forget easily too, makes it much harder to get over things. But I still am willing to wait for that someone.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Law of Diminishing Expectations

"tripping hard falling down onto the ground
cause I can't stand up and I can't fall down
and I'm somewhere in the middle of this..."

- Somewhere in the Middle
by Dishwalla - 


Expectations.

People have been bombarded by this word every single day with or without their knowledge. We have always been put up to fulfill something, to achieve, or to be useful in one way or another.

I never liked expectations.

I was the eldest in the family, and being that just made expectations much, much higher. There are tons of shoulds, don'ts, do this, do that and what nots.

Mom would always say I started walking earlier than children my age. I talked even before my first tooth came out. She knew I was destined to do something great. Now, I don't think I am exactly meeting her expectations although she isn't complaining about how I run my life. It seems that my early progress on things led her to believe that I will be fulfilling all her lifelong dreams, but I really wasn't, coz I have my own thing going on, pretty messy and maybe a bit harder to fulfill but it's mine.

I started school when I was 2 years old but the formal one when I was 3, graduated college at 19, still not quite impressive but I was always top of my class and she continues to hold on to those elusive dreams.

Until I got pregnant.

I saw her face, the way she looked at me the night she went to the hospital to pick me up because I was taken there when I fainted because of overfatigue (I was working 2 jobs at the time). She knew it, saw right through me, devastated.

All positive expectations down the drain, in comes the negativities, all the more I had to prove myself and get things together.

After I gave birth to my son, I realized one thing. I would NEVER set expectations for him to fulfill. I would let him learn at his own pace and decide on things he would want to do. I understood my Mom very well, she was trying to hold on to something, wanting someone to save her and make life better not for herself but for me as well, I just never saw it that way. I always rebelled against her wishes, I never said I would follow them now but I learned to make adjustments and consider, be a WHOLE lot nicer to her at least.

We are not really aware sometimes but the most common receiver of our great (and not to mention dangerous) expectations are those people we love. It can be as simple as we expect them to remember our birthdays, anniversary, monthsary, the day we first met and so on... or the supreme expectation, that they love as the way we love them (sometimes just way too freakishly unreal). But we never learn, we don't stop, we don't take it easy coz we need to feel important, the need that our love is being reciprocated in an equal term (tsk tsk).

I am not claiming that I am able to separate myself and totally cease to expect from someone, maybe I am still a kid who gets frustrated everytime she was misunderstood, or felt taken forgranted, after all didn't we all yearn for affection, for somehow, someone would be able to glance our way and appreciate us and more importantly love us.

It sounded easy, but it never was. EVER.

We all have different ideas of how love can be expressed and like expectations, we also never settle for anything less than what we have in mind, we never learned to compromise (which was totally doofus!).

I’ve always tried to live out people’s expectations of me. Sometimes, I just want to SCREW UP and FAIL but I still choose not to. Failure is not what breaks me, but the successes I have achieved. Somehow, I felt I am never enough, and I always had to do more. It’s so frustrating.