Monday, March 28, 2011

Ambivalence

"There's only NOW. There's only HERE. 
Give in to LOVE, or live in FEAR.
No other path, no other way.
NO DAY BUT TODAY"
- Rent

The cool breeze of the wind slightly brushed my cheeks, I've been waiting for a couple of minutes now at the spot we agreed to meet. He's a perennial late comer but instead of bringing this up to him, I couldn't utter a single word as his presence overpowers me every time.

I wonder what his next excuse would be or if he would even bother making one, I'm sure he knows I'm here already, eager and waiting for him to come. I should've known it is going to be this way, since I was the one who confessed my true emotions and risked everything to just have the chance to be with him. I'm with him now. Am I happy?

The thought lingered for a bit, I love saying his name. The way it escapes my breath and the taste of his lovely lips against mine. It's got to be today, there's no other day, I said to myself.

I've always had this belief that if I had to think twice in making a decision I would probably not gonna end up doing it, until I was faced with much more difficult choices and far more complicated ones that thinking twice (or probably a lot more than that) can be good. It's not, it shouldn't be.

The moon is in its full bloom, I feel that I can trace the beams it emits and bathe in its glory. How can you be like that, Glorious Moon? Why did you choose to show your beauty tonight when I am about to fall into this heap of madness?

Sitting by myself in a park bench while there are probably a lot of places I can be is not very appealing not even to the other people who seemed to be already lost in lovers' lane. Why do we have to meet here anyway? More importantly, why did I agree? 

I checked my phone and saw a few messages, maybe one is his I thought.

It's not.

I decided to send him another message, I typed: "I am here already, where are you? Are you coming? I'm leaving in 10 minutes if you're still not here." Sent.

My phone rang. It's him.

"Hey"

- "I won't be able to make it in 10 minutes. I'm on my way."

"Okay"

- "Is there something wrong?"

"We need to talk"

- "Hmm. I'll be there, please wait."

"Okay, we need to talk tonight. I will be here, just try to hurry before the mosquitoes finish me off."

- "Haha. Funny. I'll see you in a while."

"Hurry. Bye."

A few minutes passed by and a car parked in front of me.

- "Let's go!"

I didn't say a word as I got inside the car. He drove up a few miles from there and we stopped in front of his apartment.

- "What's wrong?"

"We need to talk"

- "Can it wait until we're inside?"

He went out of the car and got his keys.

- "Lock it when you go out"

I stepped out of the vehicle and exhaled. I am trembling as I walked to his front door which he left open. He went straight to the kitchen it seems, I sat in the sofa, I still don't feel quite comfortable but I managed to stop trembling at least. He emerged from the kitchen carrying a bottle of beer.

- "Want anything honey?"

"Water will be fine, thanks."

- "Hmm.. why are you so formal? You are weird."

"Come closer, I don't want to go shouting all night."

- "Coming!"

He sat right beside me on the sofa, I can smell his manly scent this close and see the man I have always loved, who never noticed my existence until I comforted him during the time he thought everyone left him and was so depressed, now he's back up and I am happy that he is, I just felt things have changed.

- "So?" he grinned.

He held my hands and looked at me.

"I don't know how to say this..." I started.

- "Is there something wrong?"

"Sweetie, I think it's something I did" I muttered guiltily.

- "What is it? Is there someone else? Did you do something? Tell me!" he said hastily.

"No, there's no someone else and I didn't exactly do anything... it's just..."

- "Just what?"

His grip is slowly tightening and I can see my arms slowly turning from red to purple. I loosened it a bit and held his hands and returned his seemingly lost gaze.

"I am not happy..."

- "Not happy? Did I do anything wrong? I know I have been so egotistic and I may not have been the best boyfriend you can have but I am doing my best, is it because I don't have time for you lately? Don't do this to me, I need you, you know I need you... please don't"

I gently pressed his hands and started massaging them, I can feel them turning cold and tense while I can feel my self slowly relaxing, "Here we go again" I thought. I am again comforting him and falling into the trap of his neediness.

"Dear...?"

I moved my right hand to touch his face which looked devastated, I made him look at me as if telling him to try his best to understand what I am about to say. He's silent and waiting, while tensed but I think this is the best time for me to do this, it has to be tonight.

"Dear, I know what I'm about to say would be tough to handle or understand as of now, but I want you to promise me that you are not in anyway gonna do something stupid that would probably hurt yourself or me. Can you do that?"

He nodded, although I know it's just an automatic response, I continued.

"Okay" I sighed exasperatedly.

"I want you to know that I truly and honestly love you and would always will. In fact you are the ONLY man I have ever loved this much by far."

- "If that's how you feel then why are we having this conversation? Tell me it's gonna be okay please? It's gonna be okay right?" he muttered.

"Take it easy and try not to overreact dear. I am not happy with the way things are going, I am not myself anymore and it's not gonna be healthy for our relationship if I continue and just deteriorate over time. I just need ample time to get things together. I hope you understand."

- "I am not getting any of these... Why are you not happy? You still didn't answer the question. Are you leaving me... for good?"

"Do you love me?" I asked.

- "Of course. Yes. Definitely. I love you! I need you in my life. What's the matter with you?"

"Do you need me because you love me or do you love me because you NEED me?"

Silence.

"It's a tough question right?"

He was still and unable to look into my eyes.

"I don't want this whole thing to blow over. Look. I love you. I really really do. But I don't want to be someone you are with because you need me. I will always be here for you no matter what but I feel you and I need some space between us to think about 'US'. It pains me to say these things, but I had to, we're absolutely going nowhere and I feel trapped..."

- "I am so confused... I'm sorry. I don't know what to say..."

"You don't have to say anything, it's tough for you too, but I totally understand... I love you enough to let you go. I promise I'll always be here for you, you don't have to feel that we have to be together, we don't have to... And I need to love myself more, I love you more than I love myself and I am doing all of this to me now... you see?

I am not saying I am right and you are wrong... but I don't want us to get to the point of hurting each other. I jumped in too soon and might've taken advantage of you at your weakest and now you are slowly taking over me, I need to get myself together... it's the only real thing I have."

- "You have ME."

I feel my heart pounding, his words are definitely something I don't want to hear right now. I have made my decision and I have to stand by it no matter what he says.

- "You have ME. I love you. It's also true that I NEED you, but I somehow cannot seem to quantify anything as of this moment, all I know is I don't want you to leave me. I know it sounded selfish but I do. I AM. I am a big complicated mess but this complicated mess becomes something when I'm with you... This egotistic depressed idiot wants to spend his life with you, only WITH you.

You said you LOVE me enough to let me go? I am not willing to go that way... not yet.. not ever."

"But..."

- "But what? Tell me straight... in my face! Tell me that you want to leave... tell me that you want to be alone! Tell me that you don't need me as much as I NEED you! And I'm gonna tell you, how a bad liar you are! Come on! I DARE you!"

"We're not seeing eye to eye. You need to calm down, this is not easy for me... And YES, all you said were true.."

- "Then please... please give me the chance to make it up to you. You only made these known to me today, you have been silent... I thought we were okay, I thought everything's fine. We're in this together. Don't do this yourself. I love you and I am not letting go. I'm not giving up just yet, I know how much I love you. I may have failed in showing you that, in some aspects but I am loving you the best way I know how to... it's never easy... nothing is... but you are very important to me and I don't want to lose you now.. not ever... unless the day comes that you don't love me anymore."

I fell silent. This is not what I have planned and it's getting out of my control. Was I the one who overreacted? Ugh.. my mind is not processing these thoughts clearly. It's all becoming hazy and unclear. I eased up a bit and fell backwards unceremoniously.

- "You love me?"

I sighed.

- "You love me." he smiled faintly.

"It hasn't been easy loving you, but I do."

- "I love you... so much and try not to doubt that even for one second please."

"You are the only person who have all the capacity to hurt me."

- "But you're still here."

"Yes. You drive me crazy, up these walls and yet if given a chance I would still do it over again. I am failing miserably."

- "I'll give you the space you need and all the time you need to 'get things together'. This time I'll be here for you...

But... I'm warning you. You haven't gotten rid of me okay? You're stuck with me for as long as I live... I promise you that."

I nodded.

- "Cheer up. I don't understand anything, but I will try... you deserve so much more, I know that. But I am willing to toil to make you happy, I am not going to argue with you this time, it would be pointless... but I am always here."

He hugged me, real tight. I can feel my bones shaking a bit and for a second I thought my lungs are going to give in, but it didn't. It's got to be today. Yes. It happened today. I knew he loved me. He loves me. I smiled.

- "I can't believe how hard headed you are. And I didn't know how clever you can be, I know you are smiling and don't dare hide this from me."

I bit my lip.

- "You scared me, I can't believe I fell for that one. Naughty girl. I will make you pay!"

"Don't burst my bubble just yet mister! All the things I told you are true, but I never imagined it to happen like this, you and your puppy-dog-eye technique!"

- "You know, I don't want this to ever happen again between us. I know you have made a lot of adjustments for me and I have been a big baby and an even bigger headache and I still am and will be I think..."

I raised an eyebrow.

- "I'm just being honest... wait, look, err. I can't promise you anything, not even a smooth and happy relationship, I won't be able to give you a life like that of the stories we read together."

"The ones I force you to read to me. Yeah. I know."

- "No dear, hold on. I know how much you love to be read to, I can see how your eye twinkles every time I pick up the book you like and read it to you before we sleep or whenever we can, that even if I am trying to be manly I let you get away with that, because it's something I do for you, and it makes me happy that for some moments I can make you happy."

"I'm sorry for making you do that. But my eyes twinkle and you notice?" batting my eyelashes.

- "Yeah. It works you know. I love the feeling you make me feel. You make me feel needed too, like I am someone important and that I actually matter, even if I know how strong and able you are in continuing with your life and I am the one who needs you more."

"I have always liked to be read to, but not like a kid though. You know why I love it?"

- "Why?" His arms are now circling around me and my head is now resting on his chest and I can hear his heart beat.

"It might be childish but... it's because I feel safe when I hear your voice, but every time you speak to me, it's like you are commanding and you are not you, but when you read to me, you become something else, more vulnerable but still enigmatic. You become you. And it's so strange, like... like... like I'm always in a trance and feeling your body vibrate and the emotions you invoke are far more revealing than when you speak..."

- "You are a real weird girl, you know that?"

"Mmhmm"

- "That's what makes you so special and I hate myself that I almost lost you."

I just sat there stunned.

- "Perhaps love is the process of my leading you back to yourself."

I looked up surprised with what I heard.

- "Did I get it right?"

"You remembered. Wind, Sand and Stars." I muttered astonishingly.

- "Don't get so teary eyed on me dear, I know you like them and I am not putting up with them, sometimes I just like it when you push me to do it, so it means so much more. I guess we both need to work on having our ways, you think?" he said grinning.

"I almost shooed you away. And everything has been a total misunderstanding."

- "You won't be able to tell someone off that easily dear, especially someone who cares about you. It's just not the way it's supposed to happen, we have differences, major ones. We can go MENTAL, on each other, but it's part of the process and we're learning."

"So you think I am going MENTAL on you?"

- "Umm... we just patched things up, go easy on the mental thing okay?"

"Nah. I'm still stuck with the phrase you just quoted."

- "Antoine de Saint-Exupery, but it wasn't from that book... Leo Buscaglia quoted it in one of his, one of his books you love, there's one more I remembered exactly from him..."

"What?"

- "I love you with all your hang ups too." he winked.

"How come we have to wait for these moments to do these stuff?" I am close to tears.

- "I think I need to be shaken up sometimes, or WE need to be shaken up, we became so complacent at least I know I have been, coz I know you'll always be there and I trust that you love me so much."

"Men, resting with their laurels"

- "There goes my feminist sweetheart. I love you!"

"You promised to give me space... uh uh uh... not too close." I laughed.

- "Did I? I forgot. And this space, did I tell you how much space I will be giving you?"

"Hmmm... not really, why? Are you taking it back?" I said testily.

- "Is that a trick question?"

"No silly. We can still have space, like time outs and stuff but tonight I don't think I want that... not with you quoting the way you just did... that is just sooooo sexy."

- "Me and my brilliance in trouble."

"Uh huh. You still have 'Water for Elephants' right?"

- "I knew it would come to that! HAH!"

"We're gonna do this differently tonight." I bit my lip and winked.

- "Not complaining dear... never."

At that moment we both laughed. We both got what we wanted and we wanted to be with each other. True enough there are tons of bickerings that might follow and a whole lot of disappointments perhaps. The union of two imperfect souls who chose to love each others' imperfections is a majestic craft only few would understand and conquer.

They do.

Love?

It's everything everybody is aiming for, but seldom would they give it freely, unabashedly.

"The best part of being in love is when you just love a person and be happy about it even if we know that it cannot last forever. That is the true essence of love.

It's NOT about WINNING someone.
It's NOT about OWNING a relationship.
It's just about being happy because you know you have loved someone.
It's about being guiltless because you know you did not take away anyone from anybody.

You just love and loved unselfishly."

Note: This piece is purely fiction any similarities to actual events or people are not intended by the author.

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