Thursday, July 30, 2009

I'm Thanatophobic

I was trying to write this for the nth time I hope it would load successfully. Everytime I try something goes wrong and I have to abandon my attempts to show the world of the probable synopsis of my brilliant soon-to-be novel.

I have always dreamt to have one but I'm still on the process of building the right plot and define the characters for my masterpiece to be set on paperback. One thing for sure is I would try my best to deviate from the love story genre. I am a hopeless romantic and for being such I have been frustrated on how love cannot be as perfect as it is on writing.

It would be tough to play on religion but I hope since it would be fiction I would be spared of the choice of being condemned by the religion I am a part of.

Here's the essay I have written that would serve as the main plot of my story. Feel free to leave a comment.

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How can a person face a very dreadful but inevitable thing here on earth, that even Christ himself have claimed to suffer befor gaining the so-called eternal life, a thing so immense and unknown, a thing which is only known as death?

Last New Year's Eve amidst the happiness and festivities brought by the occasion, I believe that I had encountered the biggest and most frightening realization in my life... that I am thanatophobic. this means that my greatest fear is death.

Before I had this realization, I had a very strange dream the night before, a dream about my own death, about my soul leaving my body and afterwards, instead of having the usual experience that people I've watched being interviewed regarding near-death experiences often relate about seeing a bright light in the end of a very dark tunnel or an angel guiding them to a certain place that makes them feel better, I just stood in a place or rather a room that has no doors nor windows. I was like in a box and just stood there facing blank walls.

That's when a thought hit me, what would really happen to us after death, is there really a heaven or a hell? And why does people have to die? Do we really have souls?

People who had suffered a coma or other sickness that caused them to be unconscious for some time, whom afterwards woke up from it says that they had these glimpse of the after life and someone or an angel told them it's not their time or he had other plans for them or just like the one I have mentioned earlier about traveling in a dark tunnel and following a bright light believing that the someone guided and saved them. I believe most of them have beliefs of a God or a certain higher being that is accountable for all the things that are going on in our lives. I do not wish to question such but I'm quite intrigued.

What if an atheist undergoes a coma? Will he alse experience the same as the others have related? What if a Buddhist has a neardeath experience, will he see Buddha instead of Christ?
There are hundreds of interpretations of where a person would end up after death and there are also many notions of how death would appear.

For some, he is like a creature whose appeareance you wouldn't want to see or imagine, a beast under a dark cloak and carrying an enormous sickle in one hand. There are also those who view death as an angel and may look like Brad Pitt and for some might be a very beautiful maiden whom will take you to your place in heaven, most likely.

For me, however he or she might look like, death would be something horrible, will be very unwelcomed and unfathomable. a thing that would definitely separate me from my loved ones. Maybe the reason why I had that dream is because my fear is really haunting me unconsciously then, and now it has found its way to make me realize it was always there and has finally come out to challenge me.

As Sigmund Freud puts it, "Dreams are the road to the unconscious." Was I unconsciously dreading this since the day I put on my thinking cap? To me it has made it's move and like a swift move in a chess game I found myself caught in between great forces and am about to withdraw from the battle, shouting "You win! I'm scared!"

Now as I ask myself, why should I fear death. The logical reasons race my mind and continously registers several hypotheses and scholarly notions but my brain seemed unable to process them. It happens to all persons, no exclusions and no discriminations, not that it can be done.

Some said our death is determinded even before our actual birth. Could I see mine in the stars if I really really look at it?

Some would take it as a form of salvation or refuge from a very unbecoming world, for others, punishment for their sins and misbehaviors, but I still have no idea on how I could understand and as they would say, embrace this unrelatable phenomenon. Maybe that's the reason why I fear it. Because I don't exactly know how I will be able to take it and honestly I really don't want my questions to be answered at this moment if it would mean I would encounter it although a lot of times I had wished I would have died to escape from something.

Maybe the reason behind the blank wall in my dream is that I still don't have a clear perception of what I want to believe in either about death, life or faith.

How would I not let my fear of death interfere with my life would be the next big question.

And still I've got the feeling, I won't get answers.

Cleverly Disguised Jalapeño

People will really surprise you, in such a way that they can give you immense happiness or immediate remorse. This week had been both happy and sad but I wouldn't take it any other way.

My right eye had some uncomfortable pain since last Sunday, after watching Harry Potter with Bes, that it had result to a visit with the opthalmologist. After some time and some examination he had declared that it was an infection of some sort. He had spared me of the details because I am very agitated and I had other stuff to attend to, so it had to be fast. Giving me some strong meds and I was off.

The next day brought another visit due to its persistent pain and additional swelling, half my face was swollen, imagine that! He gave me new antibiotics because I can't take the last one because surprise surprise somebody got their period ha! Just when I didn't need for it to come. Grrr! I was wearing my sunglasses wherever I went. It has it's coolness factor but it also brought the weirdness remark.

I was frequently checked out by strangers specially when I wore them in the wee hours of the morning, well I had to because of the dust that might infect it further plus I don't want people to see nor stare! BUT THEY STILL DO!

Anyway, I am saddened by the unexpected resignation of Faye, we were even planning to go to the Musiklaban to check out on the tattoo artists and fish out ideas of where to get inked and what design to get coz in the first place it's permanent! But she had to go, soonest. I think she might already have left today for Malaysia. Oh well, friends come and go I know, but still it pains me to have lost one who meant so much.

On the lighter side of things, I forgot to add to my other post a funny thing that happened last Sunday.

The cleverly disguised jalapeño was actually pertaining to my bestfriend's antic.

*Seeing the face of your bestfriend twitch in an unexplainable way while realizing he had eaten a cleverly disguised jalapeño on his burger was PRICELESS! I almost died laughing... and I'm not even exaggerating!*

And I still am laughing when I remember. *sorry bes*

So much for a week. My eye is still a bit swollen but it's getting better. We had our Ladies's day out a few came, some declined but who are we to push them in to being with us. We want to have fun, we want to share the laughter with people and to bond so our friendship will be realized. It's sad that some people won't allow you to do that but oh well that's life.

Seize the day peeps! For you'll never know when it's the last you will have!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Back in the Saddle

Well it hasn't been a while since I got my status back to being "Single". There has been a couple of unlikely turn of events that I had experienced but none I would regret because they have been the keys to becoming who I am today. I am happy, quite fairly. Although to some it might sound like a tough self convincing act, which at times it might, but generally I am happy.

I am open to dating. I am not expecting anything from anyone but being back in the saddle is quite tough for me. I always tend to compare and to see things in a rather not so good point of view that before it happens I am already gone out the door and is saying no to a proposal. I think I am no longer confident in this situation, all the ideas I used to have about Mr. Right has burst into thin air and I figured it must be the most common reaction there is for women like me.

I have NOT yet dated anyone, though I claim to be available. It's not really being with someone that scares me but rather the tedious process again of trial and error in meeting the guy whom you would be willing to share your life with, to make mistakes and enjoy everyday as it comes. SO... I figured I would make it easier (or harder!) for them now so if they don't like who I am I could just scare them with my wit (which most of the time works by the way) or if it fails I would just recount the stuff that would even make my bestfriend's hair stand on it's end... (haha, kidding) but I really do such things so that men would not mess with me or would continue see me in that other light they should look at.

I yearn for someone. YES!
I just fear that they might just like me for a certain facet of my persona and then they would reject the whole of me if ever they found out my silly quirks and see me in my worst times, while babbling about it.

I am not pretty so I don't have the right to be choosy. I KNOW which is what exactly makes me think why someone be interested with me, (gag!). In the morning my hair would be so disheveled that Sadako's mane would look much more appealing. I snore, I think although none have ever mentioned anything about it... not a very nice thing to say for a woman but what the heck. You wouldn't exactly be sleeping with me to find out right?

I just wanted someone who would accept me, all of me and not my parts which would look good with them or would make them look better or would compliment their high regard for themselves. In the first place I am not here to be your display girl. (not that I could be worthy of such anyway...)

I curse... a lot... not really those mean awful words you hear on the streets but I do in a mildly acceptable way and in which times I really don't realize.

I'm such a wimp. Although you might think of me as some biatch-slapping-your-face kind of woman, well I am, but there are stuff that scares the living dogsh*t out of me and they might be funny to you or something but they might kill me.

I'm not perfect, so I'm not looking for a perfect man.

I don't believe in happily ever after anymore and I've woken up from a deep slumber in that fantasy land.

Life with me won't be easy.

There would be times we would have burnt food, so you should be able to appreciate canned ones or I could order good take out or you could cook if you like.
I won't forever be this perky, I have my off times too. I have pet peeves you wouldn't imagine and my patience would wore out thin, but if you could just hug me and tell me how much you love me I'll be alright.
I shout, I'm noisy, there would be some bickering, I might nag at about almost everything, if you won't be able to stand it I won't be able to stop. Shouting back wouldn't work I've already figured that one out, but if you would sit down and actually listen my voice will tone down notch per notch.
I might hate you for stuff you did before, because I will be quite insecure but that would just mean that I want your attention and I want you more so please don't shun me out and try to hold me at which I would definitely resist but would succumb to in time.
I'm a mess, my life, my room, my bed. It's a total mess, I don't want someone to clean up the mess I made with my life I just want you to love me and overlook the mess I have made and we could mess around eventually (haha).
Did I mention I'm a slob, yeah you can add that to this worsening list of things you should consider before taking the time to ask me out.
I'm childish and sometimes a brat. But if you act like one too maybe we could turn this whole thing around, let's do something foolish and enjoy life.
I'm not as patient as I appear to be. Although I try. I really do.

I love wholeheartedly. I give everything a 100%, but I'll try to not lose myself in the process this time.
I will still go out with my friends, male, female or in between, night outs are inevitable so be prepared to take care of the house when I'm gone.
You'll have your boys' night out too. I won't even interfere with that even if you will be around girls and stuff.
I would want you to kiss another woman and not be able to because you will always realize how much you love me, even if no one's there to stop you.
I want to be free and I want you to be the same person when I met you but different everyday coz you will be changing, it's inevitable but I don't want us to change apart I want us to improve hand in hand.
We change together, love each other and plan the future together while living today and celebrating the past.

I want that someone. I want someone to be that someone or if not I just want to love someone, to be loved again, isn't it the most amazing thing?

I don't know how long it will take. I just hope not too long for I don't have the luxury of forever to do so. Some say you would have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to find out who your prince charming would be, would that mean without me going out in the field I won't find my prince, the answer to my love's duet?

I hope not. I hope he finds me and if he already did I hope he realizes he has found me.
I'm not a maiden to be rescued anymore I can ride my own horse and fight with my own sword but wouldn't it be sweeter if we would be fighting side by side?

I know this would scare a lot of people (men perhaps). But this is as real and as bad as it could possibly get, before you consider entering that realm of possibility with me, no sugar coating intended, all things written plainly. Life with me wouldn't be easy, I can be such a pain in the ass in most times, but you would be too I know and I would always be there to accept you for who you are.

When all the people have turned their backs on you I would always be here to cheer you up and push you to do what you have always wanted to do if only you would allow me to understand you. You wouldn't always need to understand me, just love me it's all I will ever ask. I want that someone. Someone, somebody to love.

Scared now? You should be...

If not... let's meet. I am willing to risk, I just hope you're worth it. If not, it would just be another day in the life of loving fool.

If it's true that in love, waiting is the sweetest stress... oh my I need a lot of stress tabs!