Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Porphyria's Lover

The rain set early in to-night,
The sullen wind was soon awake,
It tore the elm-tops down for spite,
And did its worst to vex the lake:
I listen'd with heart fit to break.
When glided in Porphyria; straight
She shut the cold out and the storm,
And kneel'd and made the cheerless grate
Blaze up, and all the cottage warm;
Which done, she rose, and from her form
Withdrew the dripping cloak and shawl,
And laid her soil'd gloves by, untied
Her hat and let the damp hair fall,
And, last, she sat down by my side
And call'd me. When no voice replied,
She put my arm about her waist,
And made her smooth white shoulder bare,
And all her yellow hair displaced,
And, stooping, made my cheek lie there,
And spread, o'er all, her yellow hair,
Murmuring how she loved me---she
Too weak, for all her heart's endeavour,
To set its struggling passing free
From pride, and vainer ties dissever,
And give herself to me for ever.
But passion sometimes would prevail,
Nor could to-night's gay feast restrain
A sudden thought of one so pale
For love of her, and all in vain:
So, she was come through wind and rain
Be sure I look'd up at her eyes
Happy and proud; at last I knew
Porphyria worshipp'd me; surprise
Made my heart swell, and still it grew
While I debated what to do.
That moment she was mine, mine, fair,
Perfectly pure and good; I found
A thing to do, and all her hair
In one long yellow string I wound
Three times her little throat around,
And strangled her. No pain felt she;
I am quite sure she felt no pain.
As a shut bud that holds a bee,
I warily oped her lids: again
Laugh'd the blue eyes without a stain
And I untighten'd next the tress
About her neck; her cheek once more
Blush'd bright beneath my burning kiss:
I propp'd her head up as before,
Only, this time my shoulder bore
Her head, which droops upon it still:
The smiling rosy little head,
So glad it has its utmost will,
That all it scorn'd at once is fled,
And I, its love, am gain'd instead!
Porphyria's love: she guess'd not how
Her darling one wish would be heard.
And thus we sit together now,
And all night long we have not stirr'd,
And yet God has not said a word!

----------------

We kill people differently. Sometimes we trample their dreams, ruin their personalities, harm their self-image and although death is something considered to be a crime and thus would have some sort of punishment, the previous ones I have mentioned have a much deeper effect.

I've been killed a lot of times.

I'm still trying to manage how to live.

The steady beat from the machine might reassure a passerby with regards to my existence.

A few high pitched beats.

Once or twice awakened and then back to slumber.

Steady. Monotonous. Bam!

My life.

Wouldn't fit a nutshell.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Snippets from Sara Bareilles

I've done a snippets post before and made use of the lyrics of Owl City's songs. This time I am doing a Sara Bareilles post, since her lyrics are so diverse, vivid and is as always what I like, have a room for wonderful interpretation.

Thirty three songs, compressed in a letter.

Here goes nothing.

Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, man made up a story said that I should believe him. Go and tell your white knight that he's handsome in hindsight, but I don't want the next best thing.

He loves with rhythm and paints with flame. He comes in pieces with no name. I won't need answers, I'll just know. Cause I've read the sonnets about his soul. He can be ordinary in the best ways and still dance like a poet through every word he says.

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe.

Inspire me with blood of blue and green. I have hope, inside is not a heart but a kaleidoscope.

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart, love to watch the colors fade, they may not make sense, but they sure as hell made me.

Take your best shot. Here I stand, heart in hand and fearless I'm not. But I am what I am and I know what I'm not and I know enough to know it's never gonna be much more than weather.

I do what I can wherever I end up to keep giving my good love and spread it around. ‘Cause I've had my fair share of take care and goodbyes. I've learned how to cry and I'm better for that.

Savor the sorrow to soften the pain, sip on the southern rain as I do. I don't look, don't touch, don't do anything, but hope that there is a you.

Here in these deep city lights a girl could get lost tonight. I'm finding every reason to be gone. There's nothing here to hold on to. Could I hold you?

What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song, I will try not to sing out of key.

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me, keep me when I'm hurting and make me hang from your hands.

Your unexpected love provides my solitary's suicide.

You were the air in my breath filling up my love soaked lungs, such a beautiful mess intertwined and overrun. Nothing better than this and then the storm can come, you feel just like the sun.

It isn't something I need 'til you tell me I can't. Why wear my heart on my sleeve when it looks so good in your hand? My heart breaks in a heartbeat and you storm me when you come and go. The taste of something so sweet should have warned me about the undertow.

You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

You may be my final match 'cause I chase everything when you play throw and I play catch. It never took much to keep me satisfied, but all the bullshit you feed me, you miss me, you need me. This hungry heart will not subside.

And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and your twisted words. Your help just hurts.

I'm used to being one with the misfortune to find. Afternoons run for cover and full moons, just wonder what it looks like here on my morningside. Look back, don't you dare let me start. Do that. I don't care if the things that I have only make me afraid to lose. I need to let go. Need to want to keep letting you know that we both have a reason to follow.

Leave unsaid unspoken, eyes wide shut, unopened. You and me. Always between the lines.

Here's a simplification of everything we're going through. You plus me is bad news. But you're a lovely creation and I like to think that I am too.

All my life I've tried to make everybody happy, while I just hurt and hide, waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide.

Goodbye, should be saying that to you by now shouldn't I?

I wish I was pretty. I wish I was brave.

I want to change my mind. I want to be enough.

I'm not the kind to try to tell you lies, but the truth is you've been hiding from it too. I see the end sneaking in behind your eyes, saying everything no words could ever do. Does anybody know how to hold my heart? Cause I don't want to let go.

Locked and loaded, you're practically floating away now in your fortress. You feel like you're more or less safe now. But let me say, I don't mean harm.

Hold me responsible. It's all my fault. I want you to hold me any way you can.

Won't somebody come on in and tug at my seams? Oh, send your armies in of robbers and thieves to steal the state I'm in, I don't want it anymore. You're begging for the truth so I'm saying it to you. I've been saving your place and what good does it do? Now I'm just a basket case. 

You don't have to fight the bad guys, throwing punches out into the black. If you have to tell me lies, I don't care. Just give me some good back. I won't want to be alone. Sky, don't let the sun go. I'm not ready for the darkness. Swear upon a heartless soul.

Careful confessions can't scare you with my crime. I learned my lesson... love you a little at a time.

Leave my love in a letter went to the best on your side.

I dive in and I sink in and I find new colors to think in. I'm fading in and out. What are you supposed to do? Save me now from all this danger. You don't know how? And I'll find my way out.

I don't care how long it takes, I'm not going anywhere, love. You see there, this distance only makes me say it over and over till it gets to you.

The storm is coming soon, it rolls in from the sea. My love, a beacon in the night. My words will be your light, to carry you to me.

I used to believe that the storybook's true. Now I don't need it, at least not with you.

It's never your fault you can't start your own winning streak, but I'd hate to lose you to the fortune you seek.

You meant to make me happy, make me sad. Want to make it better, better so bad. But save your resolutions for your never new year, there is only one solution I can see here. Love, you're all I ever could need. Only one good thing worth trying to be and it's love. 

I do it for love.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

April Fooled You

I got this message on April 1st as I was sifting through my mail:

Happy April Fools' Day. These 5 people:

*are good matches with you.
*are all probably the kind of person you'd grow to hate after a while

Think of them as great divorce material.

It was April Fool's Day, I so know. I didn't try to take any action made by people that day seriously, specially since most of them would play on their relationship statuses. I posted a status message on Facebook claiming I am pregnant, but no one bought it and I saw my aunt as one of the people who liked it (pfft! so much for a joke).

Later that night on the way out of the office, I got on the elevator with one of our managers and he just commented something like,

"That was a banging April Fools joke you did earlier" while grinning.
"You think? Well nobody bought it really." I shrugged.
"Well because we know you're not the promiscuous type anyway." he said matter-of-factly.

I laughed. I don't know if that's part of his April Fools' joke and he just pulled a fast one on me, but man it made my day.

It was a Friday too, meaning I ought to be out partying and stuff, but I found myself bidding my bestfriend goodbye and a wishing her luck (for her date, AJA!) since the guy agreed to meet him in front of a church down south, she was anticipating some sort of surprise, but I think it's not much of a big deal, still I'm the supportive bestfriend so I made a face and told her she's gonna be alright.

I got so used to having her around, an 'us' sort of thing, so with things picking up for her I have to take a back seat and let her do her stuff.

I went out to meet someone anyway, after much coaxing (just saying, I was actually in an argument with myself. haha) and we ended up roadtripping to Tagaytay, but the thing is we never arrived to our destination, we got lost somewhere and just decided to drive back to Manila, with our bag of groceries, half a bottle of Jose Cuervo (which we didn't really drink much, but was spilled all over the car!) and Mc Donald's take out.

I am used to being in the passenger seat, I have claimed that spot for 5 years. It's a weird feeling. I am just existing but I wasn't connecting or saying much. It was much like how it happened before and I got my head around it, decided to leave things as they were.

As soon as I reached home minor headaches are starting to occur, but I haven't really had a hangover ever (because I don't drink much anyway). But I was in some sort of reverie, maybe I am just trying to sublimate, because I have to adjust and give people the space they need in order for them to grow and to achieve a certain level of fulfillment.

At the back of my mind I am worried. I have four bestfriends. A girl, a guy, a gay and a lesbian bestfriend, I've got the best of all worlds (grin), but I want them around more and it's sometimes selfish.

My gay bestfriend was basically with me since he was born, I am like his older sister and his mother is my Godmother, but I don't have anything to do with him being gay as far as I know coz I am pretty boyish while he forever tries to curl my hair and change my do.

My girl bestfriend I met since I was in college, we didn't really hit it off that much until we matured and we started understanding each other. There's a certain level of agreement and an unwritten form of love and acceptance in the communication we share.

My guy bestfriend I met around 6 years ago. He's everything a guy can be and yet he has been caring and sensitive. He was also the one who accompanied me through some major milestones while I was pregnant, he would accompany me to check ups so that I won't suffer much of the insults from discriminating people, but we started to drift because of irregularities in schedules and life in general.

My lesbian bestfriend I met around 3 years ago, she has helped me deal with a lot of stuff and is always on the call. We shared a lot of things together while working with each other.

With bestfriends, you don't really need to be around them a lot to know that they care or to validate that you matter to them, it just happens when you meet, a lot has changed but you don't have to stress on it because you would be so busy babbling about a lot of things, catching up and feel like you were just together yesterday.

I can easily make friends with people. I think. There's this unusual level of trust given to me at certain points at which I don't know if I am really ready to have but they give it willingly so I have nothing to do but to try my best to take care of it. It's really nice when you think about it.

I love them so much, sometimes I get so overprotective.

I remember the instance last week when my girl bestfriend went out with a guy and I was the third wheel. I talked to him when she was in the restroom and it was a sort of an agreement you make with a brother (she doesn't have a brother, so I took over). When she arrived I was on the part of letting him know that even if I am not so menacing I can still kick serious ass, so he shouldn't dare hurt her OR ELSE! Fair warning right?

He seemed like a nice guy really and I can see that she's really happy, so I am crossing my fingers and wishing that this is something that hopefully lasts. Everybody seemed to be in the business of falling in love these days (teehee). Lately we haven't been really together although we're on the same building and roughly the same shift. My mom says it's weird that we even text each other that we miss each other. (oh well, we're not normal anyway)

So for me, since my accomplice isn't gonna be going out much because of certain developments in her life, I would probably lie low. In 3 months I have gone out more than I did in like two years combined (2009 and 2010). It has been fun-filled, interesting and most of all, totally unforgettable.

There's always a sort of thrill and excitement when you step over lines and cross boundaries.

I'm fine for now.
I got my fix.
Back to the bat cave.

I don't have any idea what the future holds, it's better that way. I love surprises anyway.

I think you have a rough idea that I'm not gonna be stuck.

I would still take risks from time to time. It's inevitable.

The blanket of security seems promising, but not for me.

I'm still in love.

It's the most wonderful thing!

Friday, April 1, 2011

How to be Alone


By Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, and you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you can hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in.

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging out with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously  avoided based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers.
Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat, lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silver ware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it's dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst the fleeting community.

And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching... because they're probably not. And, if they are, assume with it is best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened, had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alonedome, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems, if, after awhile, nobody is dating them. But lonely is freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You can stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps, it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head then solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you.All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting, life's magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. Take silence and respect it. If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. If your family doesn't get you, or a religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

You could be in an instant, surrounded if you needed it.
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it.
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

=====

I like the video since I saw it and I like listening to her soothing voice. It might sound like a justification to us all, but for her it's much more. An attempt to give meaning and to conquer her demons.

In a way, it gives you an idea of how someone tries their best to combat unhappiness (or so they think), the definition is dictated which most of the time is not exactly what people have in mind. Being 'alone' is sometimes synonymous to 'unhappiness' but it wasn't always the case.

Man is a social animal. He thrives in groups, in cliques, in societies, there's this incessant need to belong, to prove that you matter and to know that you exist.

I know.
I still do.

Experiencing things firsthand has always been a good way to learn, you just don't appreciate it right away, coz at the time you thought you failed.

On a different note:

*I am renewing my vow
*I wanna be rainbow colored by June. Hair, please grow longer faster.
*I am eager to watch the last installment of Harry Potter.
*I don't know if I want it soon really, it's like ending my teenhood? (haha)
*I need to find myself a hard bound copy of the 6th book too.
*I should make time for my closet. (drats!)
*I like the pink rose stud earrings someone gave me. *twinkling eyes*
*I realize I've been asked out a lot since I got my hair straightened. (whoa!)
*On that note, I am confused if I like it or not.
*I want to go to a concert.
*I want to go to a ball game just so I can scream.
*I had to spend my life savings to save someone's life. (worth it)
*I'm going back to the start. (which is hard, but welcomed)
*Being organized is not my cup of tea.
*Cooking is still something dreadful. (I'm learning)
*I don't have much use of my phone, until recently. (it rings! haha)
*I used to not care about fashion, but now it's embracing me. (still don't care. LOL)
*Nightmares are inevitable.
*I still wake up crying from them.
*No one's gonna wake me up so I had to.
*And it's a good thing I had the walls of my room destroyed.
*I can see my Mom and my brother from my bed and it makes me calm down.
*Privacy wasn't something I really care about much. (now)
*I realized I am now making my bed. (Mom is pleased)
*I know how to make my bed, but I just choose not to.
*Going home to a neatly made up bed made me feel so alone. (for a very long time)
*Some jokes are corny, some just hurt.
*I'm scared even of toy snakes. (I cried)
*I get scared when things get out of hand.
*Winning doesn't always feel good.
*I lost almost 5 kilos already. (Yay! or Nay!)
*Some people think my books are serving as a neat cover up.
*Sometimes they are, but I don't really escape.
*I miss being tickled.
*Hugs are far more intimate than kisses or sex.
*Even just 5 minutes of unadulterated attention given to someone is a good gift.
*The more I practice writing the more horrible my handwriting becomes. (haha)
*I wanna go cloud watching.
*Time stands still when you're looking at a broken clock. (wicked!)
*I wanna do some fast forwards and a few rewinds.
*Listening to music, reading and writing at the same time is not working for me.
*Mangoes are in season. (Yum!)
*I consumed a whole lot of juice this week.
*Someone told me my skin is so smooth and supple. (I touched hers too!)
*I am loving red lipsticks.
*Shaving is dictated by the clothes you wear. (if you're a girl)
*I need to shave. (tsk tsk)
*I don't like shaving. (ho hum)
*Off shoulder dresses and shirts are good for me. (my shoulders are fine. I was told)
*James Durbin reminds me of Adam Lambert (with the Tourette's and all)
*Your Song is a song for someone, but I always feel it's for me. (sigh)
*People tend to sing when I tell them my name. (Cherie Amour and Cherry Cherry lady)
*It always amuses me. *grin*
*I still have to have my name corrected. (ugh)
*I do want to go out of the country.
*I still don't know why I am not even trying to get a passport. (dumb)
*In the years I existed, this year has been the most interesting by far.
*I'm 27.
*'Me a rare villain, a shy?' is a phrase I came up with using the letters of my name. (sounds hill billy I know ~_^)
*I've already went too far from the topic I originally presented (ADD tendencies ^_^)