Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Constellations

The four corners of the wall seemed immovable. The gloom that has once encompassed this space seemed to exist no more and once again I found myself in that deep state of elation that is simply incomparable.

Something shuffled on the bed and I saw you move from under the covers. The mere sight of you certainly makes me weak, I can see how you aimlessly tried to move your hand in search of something that should've been there beside you and as you did you moved up your head and opened your amazing eyes slowly brushing your hair from them and started surveying the room.

Your eyes finally landed on me, sitting still in the couch, I know you are trying to focus your vision and you beckoned me to come closer and signalling that I need to come reach out to your hand.

You. Amaze. Me.

There had only been moments in my life that I want to relive, but by far this one has to top the list. I can't seem to find the words to tell you how much I adore you. It's like my whole body is reacting to the mere sight of you and wanting to be near you so bad. This wanting is torture, slowly erupting and igniting every senses I have and making it much clearer to me now, how important you have become in my existence.

It's not the mere gaze that your wonderful eyes give, nor the haughtiness of your stance that makes me feeling so wreckless. The wonderful persona I have been able to chance upon and the acceptance you made me feel deeply captivated me. The calming feeling I get when I hear the sound of your voice sends me in a state of hypnosis I don't really wanna get over with.

Are you another shooting star who would color a night in my life and leave me empty for the rest of it?
 If I could, I would want to have a wish right now and that is for you to be part of a wonderful constellation.

I moved closer and slowly as you try to make faces. I started to pout my lips and act as if disgusted by your stubborness, but at the moment you held my hand you pulled me fast towards you.

I fell on you.

I fell for you.

"Good morning sweety"

I heard you say, as you tried to pull me closer to your chest, I looked at your wonderful eyes and put my hand on your bare chest. I can feel your steady heartbeat and the warmness of your skin against mine.

"Lovely morning dear" was my reply.

I lay there still as your embrace tightens, I can feel my body slowly weakening again and your aura enveloping me deep within. My hands slowly tracing your lips as I continue to wonder how such a beautiful thing ended up in my presence on a lovely Sunday morning.

"I love you" I gently whispered in your ear.

I realized I was never waiting for you to answer me back because I am contented in having just this moment with you and I can enjoy it for as long as I can. I am never good in relationships, in keeping them anyway, I am more content in knowing that at least once a page of my life has been doodled on by a curious little cherub.

Planting a gentle kiss on your lips is hard to recover from, but it's harder for me not to.

Slowly I turned my back and start to stand up when again you caught me half way and hugged me, I can feel the pressure on your touch, the deep emotions you want to unleash and I understood that you wanted me to stay even just for a while. I ceased to move and let your head rest on my shoulder, making your slow deep breaths noticeable. Your lips barely touching the back of my neck and your hands circling my body.

"I want you in my life" were the words I was definitely not expecting to hear.

A long pause and I heaved a sigh as I muster enough courage to tell you "I am here as long as you want me to."

With that I turned towards you and smiled as we made love in the blissful Sunday morning.

“Things are as they are. Looking out into it the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations.”


- Allan Watts

Note: This post is purely fiction.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I write like James Joyce


I write like
James Joyce
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

A friend posted a link on facebook and as you know I am a sucker for personality tests and analysis I definitely fell for this one too. I posted my recently written article to be analyzed and this is what I got. James Joyce.

I honestly don't have any idea who he is so I made some research and according to the Literature Network:

James Joyce

Irish novelist, noted for his experimental use of language in such works as Ulysses (1922) and Finnegans Wake (1939). Joyce's technical innovations in the art of the novel include an extensive use of interior monologue; he used a complex network of symbolic parallels drawn from the mythology, history, and literature, and created a unique language of invented words, puns, and allusions.

I haven't really read any of his works and my mind is going blank whenever I try to think about him and the lengths of his work, well that reminds me to check his book and see if I really write like him. This is just because of professional curiosity.

Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna be Shakespeare or Browning, it was a very long shot even Poe.

What am I thinking anyway?


Friday, July 16, 2010

Try Me

"A fear of heights is illogical. A fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary" - Sheldon of Big Bang Theory

For the longest time, I have been trying to do things that are gonna test my limits and take me out of my comfort zone. I was on a roll before, but when my bestfriend got injured I had to standby and try my best not to show my eagerness coz I don't really want her to feel bad about stopping me from doing such things.

We agreed on taking every challenges, but there are just things she doesn't wanna try that I am so keen on, and stuff that she wants that I still cannot figure how I will be able to have the guts to do. To each his own, quirkiness, fears and level of stability. I was lucky to find someone who kinda equals mine and it was really amazing.

July 11th 2010.

To her knowledge, I have signed up in an online group on Facebook called Trippers and have been thrown tons of invitations for several trips around the Philippines as well as nearby countries. Most are like trips to the beach, island hopping, mountain climbing and touring, I pretty much have done most of it, probably not on the locations offered but there was nothing really special about them anyway, so I never paid attention. Until I saw an ad about rapelling, now that definitely got me.

I really didn't sign up exactly, but just inquired about it and even gone the length to get the itinerary just 2 days before the trip. I don't know anybody from that group so I was kinda hesitant in signing up.

I just found myself with my backpack boarding the bus at 3 in the morning to the meeting place. Not knowing where my curiosity and drive will take me.

Bad news was the group I was supposed to go with have made other arrangements just the day before, so I had to go to another place to meet them, which sucked a bit. But even if that was the case, I still feel that I have to do this, NOW.

I met with my guy bestfriend at the terminal that morning and ate a hefty meal at my fave chicken place, updating each other and talking nonsensical things (which I think I do often) until such time I got the directions to the new location.

At the back of my mind there was an inner conversation happening, and it's something like:

*_* You should head back home, it's not safe to go somewhere you don't know with people you don't know alone. You are still a girl and you should not do something rash like this.

@_@ But you already told your friends about it, how would you save your face?

*_* Would your pride be much more important than your safety?

@_@ Everything will be alright, you're a big girl now and you can handle yourself better than anyone else right?

*_* Are you even thinking?

The last statement kinda blew the argument off, yes I was thinking and I thought I would really dare try and cross out that thing on my bucket list.

NOW. NOT. NEVER.

I took the ride to the place instructed and met a few people after a couple of minutes in a fastfood joint. They looked cool but I wasn't talking much and they are trying to get me to talk (oh if you guys only knew how talkative I am, you won't do this).

We continued our journey to the rapelling facility and the funny thing is I was sitting in between two 10 year old kids, now I feel weird. Anticipating, I was always looking outside the window. We finally reached the destination and I saw this 40 ft elevation (I only knew it was 40 ft when the instructor told us) I just had to let out a deep sigh and hide the gulp somewhere there (I almost felt gagged, which was odd).

The guides made sure the facility is safe by explaining how heavy those ropes can carry and how much weight it would require to snap, 3 tons (hmm not so bad, I told myself). There was just this incident when the guide put rope on himself kinda looked awkward, coz it made his umm... thing protrude in a not so nice way (I just had to say that, coz it was disturbing! LOL).

And so trying to lose that disturbing sight, I looked at the elevation again and had to do double gulps (MAN!). I have serious heights issue, why does this have to occur to me?

Anyway, the kids went on first and they seemed to enjoy it so much that they actually came back for a lot of times. It took me time to gather enough courage to let the guide tie the harness around me and with that a guy nudged me to come with him, and him signalling that I go first.

(Wow! I don't think this is the right time to go chivalrous on me, but I didn't really have time to make a rebuttal because I had to focus on going up the steep steps.)

At the top of the elevation, I tried my best not to react but I think my face just gave me away, and I was turning red, while the instructor eyed on me devilishly, like thinking "oh she's the one, we're gonna make her".

"UH OH!"

After being pushed by the eager rapellers (which were mostly guys) and throwing curse words out in the open (which by the way I DON'T DO) I finally got the courage to stand up from the chair I was sitting on.

WHAT?!

A few more curse words did the trick, aimed at no one in particular they just flew out of my mouth while I unwillingly hooked the ring on my harness. The guide was trying to get me to fall backwards but I kept on hugging him tightly and going back to the ledge (coupled with more curse words, so to speak @$$#$%#@!)

Until he got me to look at him, and the funny thing was he told me "Ma'am, you have an awesome smile, can you please smile and look at me?"

HUH? I had this It's-not-a-good-time-to-start-hitting-on-me-Mister look on me but I know better not to say it, coz after much realization everything that came out of my mouth the time I was there were profanities.  

And by the way I realized that it was a trick to get me going and stop hugging him (LOL!)

Works perfectly!

I don't know how long I shrieked while going down, but I certainly did.

I was just humming "Just keep kicking, just keep kicking" in the way Dory said it in the movie Finding Nemo referring to kicking the board and releasing ropes as I go down, I shouldn't be stuck here in anyway possible.

Next thing I know I was near the ground safe and eager to do it all over again (minus the swearing part now). I did it thrice and it was so amazing!

I don't know if it was the heights that scare me or the fear of falling and smashing my body into bits (which would obviously makes perfect sense if you look in deeper) but yeah I am scared of something. But I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world, after having everything done you would want to relive it each moment.

Making sure you won't forget the detail, for some this might not be extraordinary.

But as I know, to each his own challenge, their own challenge to overcome and stop picking on my brain and finding faults just give in and jump.

It might be illogical, but the momentary rush these things bring is something truly worth making the risk for.

I am becoming an adrenaline junkie.


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Transparency

“I knew that I had come face to face with some one whose mere personality was so fascinating that, if I allowed it to do so, it would absorb my whole nature, my whole soul, my very art itself.” - Oscar Wilde

Normal routines. What I like about them is that I always feel secured having them and they would always be there no matter how I mess up other things, it's like being in auto pilot, you might not be aware of how you went to a destination but you get there because you already know where it is.

What I hate about them is that they don't add color to your life and just keeps your body busy but your mind empty, there's no room for improvement and can be super boring.

I like challenges. The way they come out of nowhere, causing alarm, making you think and act in a different way. But of course they sometimes rattle you in such a way that you either choose to fight or take flight. It doesn't happen often so when it usually does, your whole system reacts to it, either excitedly or terrifyingly.

A weird mixture of complex emotions I am definitely not aware of its existence came seeping through my veins and are now making their way through my brain, causing synapses to response quickly and evidently.

Transparency.

It's that something that always make or break me.

I still love to think that I have transcended my thoughts clearly, but sometimes being too clear about something can be unclear too. And in that process, you might lose the bridge being slowly built by the people who would want to connect to you.

Too often I have fallen into the trap of that voice at the back of my mind.

Not that I don't try, but I just got so used to doing so that I don't realize that I was actually doing it already.

Certain people doesn't want to be challenged much, they might get tired of trying to get through to you at the point when you already realized how much you want them to. It's not exactly sacrificing your personality, it's just that you give people the chance to know you on their own and without you influencing that process.

"If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering,
the better side of me"

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Random Beliefs


I can't believe how much random thoughts I have written. These would definitely describe the workings of my mind and they have made my living pretty much easier to interpret. They might sometimes be downright stupid or probably too angry, but I am just being true. 


1. I believe my life is a big mess of things, I have decided to collect over time. Every bits and pieces of torment, joy and pain I took pride in. Life is hard, but who says it's not worth living? 


2. I've always tried to live out people's expectations of ME. Sometimes, I just want to SCREW UP and FAIL but I still choose not to. Failure is not what breaks me, but the successes I have achieved. Somehow I felt I AM NEVER ENOUGH, and I ALWAYS HAD TO DO MORE. It's so frustrating.


3. I was never good at conforming. I never found the reason to anyway. I think that's why God gave us free will, to believe and do things the way we want to... we just tend to slack off at times and we never exercise our full potential.


4. The fear of losing control is dangerous as the disease itself. Fear keeps us doubting instead of hoping. Looking down instead of up. 

5. Can't and Hate. Two words I will never teach my son. Words that have been weaved in my system, that's why I am facing difficulties in doing certain things. They are however, difficult to unlearn. I am trying.


6. A relationship doesn't need any promises, terms or conditions, it just need two wonderful people..."one who can trust" & "one who can understand"


7. I love the moments when I'm actually telling the truth, but my friends need to stop and question my comment to make sure it wasn't sarcastic.


8. I was scared of stuff I didn't understand, things I cannot control. But I realized it was always the "ME" that had stopped my own growth.


9. It is only possible to live happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis. I don't know how long it lasts, but to me what's important is I'm happy as it's happening... now.


10. I can be wise or dumb, positive or negative, beautiful or ugly, kind or mean, funny or dull. I'm only as good to you as how you perceive me to be. But to me, I am all of that and more.


11. The statistical ratio between girls and boys doesn't justify polygamy or anything to that level at all. It also doesn't mean that because women are more liberated today, men should take chance at every girl they meet and wait till they get lucky!


12. The word CAN'T is not in my vocabulary. However, there is the word WON'T. I may be dareable, but I'm definitely not gullible, I choose my battles.


13. ‎"There are no such thing as wrong decisions, only those you failed to stand up for" - the only credo I've lived up to, told to me by my brilliant college professor.


14. I think that other people's impression of me is not exactly my business. And frankly, I don't really care.


15. Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. So, why am I happy? Simply because I deserve it. YOU deserve it too. ü


16. I really don't think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don't mind the failure but I can't imagine that I'd forgive myself if I didn't try.


17. Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of my life that I expect it to always be there, because I can't remember a time in my life when it wasn't. But then one day I feel something else, something that feels wrong, only because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment I realize I'm happy.


18. Sometimes i wonder if anything's absolute anymore. Is there still right and wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable, left to interpretation, or grey. Sometimes we're forced to bend the truth, transform it, cause we're faced with things that are not of our own making. And sometimes things simply catch up to us.

 

19. ‎"It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that." - That's why I'm a nonconformist.

 

20. I have an attitude and I definitely know how to use it. Go figure!


21. Why would you tire yourself in chasing something, that when finally you can trap it in between your palms you would choose to set free?


22. Love is often an escape, a mere menagerie of false hopes and faint illusions of forevers, of prince charmings and happy endings. One cannot stand hoping for that time to come although they promise to, there is no such thing as forever, for one cannot live that long.


23. Love is unconditional, but at times it is vicious, enabling us to concoct the most devious plots just to get our hands on it or to feel the love that we wanted to be reciprocated even for a moment. Love can be selfish, in many possible ways and yet it chooses not to for selfishness is not synonymous to happiness. 


24. I love being single... it gives you the license to enjoy clothes more! ü - And this will of course top my list.

We can only try to figure out other people but we will not be able to in any way, and even if I have opened this facet of my personality to you, you still won't be able to know the whole of me. 

If you would ask me the question "What are you?"

My only reply would be.

I. AM. COMPLICATED.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Weird Whatnots on a Wednesday

Peculiar stuff happening around you when you only want to be left in peace.

Woke up to a weird Wednesday morning, with the clothes clouding my view, my mom decided to bring the laundry up in my room and scatter them on my bed.

I was like: "Wow, Mom! You nailed the Best Way to Wake Up your Daughter award if such would exist."

I still enjoy her taunts, it never gets old and she never ran out of them (which I wished sometimes she would, honestly). The weather was still dim, lightheaded I went down and started with my mundane morning ritual, until someone shouted "Duck!"

But it was too late for me to do so, and I felt the stinging pain in the back of my head and a frisbee falling on the side. My son. Playing with his grandfather in the middle of the room with a frisbee and I was the unluckiest person to catch the first blow, amazing don't you think?

You might think I should've been pissed by this time, but it takes more than a bump on the head to make me mad, plus given the fact that it was unintentional (because it was not my brother who threw it or mom. LOL). I just went to him, kissed him on the forehead and gave the frisbee back this time pointing to Mom, and whistling away. :D

I wore the first wardrobe that appeared on my mind, now this thing is a habit, I choose my clothes on how I imagine them everyday and my mood varies accordingly, so much so that the more active my imagination the better match I can make.

Wednesday is not a very special day. Picnic in the office really happens on a Thursday coz it's way past midnight and sometimes later but they are just fond of calling it Picnic Wednesday, there's a bit of flair in that somewhere, I just can't figure it out.

Mom was eyeing me as if she wants me to change my mind about the clothes I am wearing, which I didn't and she sighed exasperatedly.

I was on the bus to work and I realized I left my cellphone at home. CRAP! Now I have to tell everyone that they aren't suppose to text me today. I crossed my fingers and wished my friends will be much more considerate, even just for the day.

I picked up Kaye and was harrassed by the absurd cab driver, just my luck.

But that was nothing with the question I suddenly brought up with her, to which I definitely shouldn't have asked. What was I thinking anyway?

Now, I have my life plus her social experiment to confuse me more. I shouldn't have agreed but I guess it would help in some ways and I am definitely up for the challenge she proposes, still have some reservations though. And I think I'm gonna be in a whole lot of trouble for doing it.

The issues. We all have it. We just take things differently and now my issue is sounding very lame. She brought up "guy" issues. *Gulp* I don't even have anything I can really contribute in that aspect, coz I have been shunning them out for so long. Why?

I just got used to it and I got better everyday, I guess.

According to her, boys tell her she looks high maintenance which I can vouch for that she actually isn't, but who would bother ask right? Why do they need to figure us out? My logic oriented brain is already processing the data she is feeding me, but I don't really know how useful they can be for me.

Everybody is trying to figure out everybody else.

I am trying my best not to, but apparently it comes naturally whenever somebody gets too close. I am huge in the pride thing, but as someone has been more egotistic as I am, I can't help but be interested.

Probably I have been too dominant for so long and to be submissive would be a nice role to play at this point, I just don't know if I can pull it.