Monday, March 28, 2011

Ambivalence

"There's only NOW. There's only HERE. 
Give in to LOVE, or live in FEAR.
No other path, no other way.
NO DAY BUT TODAY"
- Rent

The cool breeze of the wind slightly brushed my cheeks, I've been waiting for a couple of minutes now at the spot we agreed to meet. He's a perennial late comer but instead of bringing this up to him, I couldn't utter a single word as his presence overpowers me every time.

I wonder what his next excuse would be or if he would even bother making one, I'm sure he knows I'm here already, eager and waiting for him to come. I should've known it is going to be this way, since I was the one who confessed my true emotions and risked everything to just have the chance to be with him. I'm with him now. Am I happy?

The thought lingered for a bit, I love saying his name. The way it escapes my breath and the taste of his lovely lips against mine. It's got to be today, there's no other day, I said to myself.

I've always had this belief that if I had to think twice in making a decision I would probably not gonna end up doing it, until I was faced with much more difficult choices and far more complicated ones that thinking twice (or probably a lot more than that) can be good. It's not, it shouldn't be.

The moon is in its full bloom, I feel that I can trace the beams it emits and bathe in its glory. How can you be like that, Glorious Moon? Why did you choose to show your beauty tonight when I am about to fall into this heap of madness?

Sitting by myself in a park bench while there are probably a lot of places I can be is not very appealing not even to the other people who seemed to be already lost in lovers' lane. Why do we have to meet here anyway? More importantly, why did I agree? 

I checked my phone and saw a few messages, maybe one is his I thought.

It's not.

I decided to send him another message, I typed: "I am here already, where are you? Are you coming? I'm leaving in 10 minutes if you're still not here." Sent.

My phone rang. It's him.

"Hey"

- "I won't be able to make it in 10 minutes. I'm on my way."

"Okay"

- "Is there something wrong?"

"We need to talk"

- "Hmm. I'll be there, please wait."

"Okay, we need to talk tonight. I will be here, just try to hurry before the mosquitoes finish me off."

- "Haha. Funny. I'll see you in a while."

"Hurry. Bye."

A few minutes passed by and a car parked in front of me.

- "Let's go!"

I didn't say a word as I got inside the car. He drove up a few miles from there and we stopped in front of his apartment.

- "What's wrong?"

"We need to talk"

- "Can it wait until we're inside?"

He went out of the car and got his keys.

- "Lock it when you go out"

I stepped out of the vehicle and exhaled. I am trembling as I walked to his front door which he left open. He went straight to the kitchen it seems, I sat in the sofa, I still don't feel quite comfortable but I managed to stop trembling at least. He emerged from the kitchen carrying a bottle of beer.

- "Want anything honey?"

"Water will be fine, thanks."

- "Hmm.. why are you so formal? You are weird."

"Come closer, I don't want to go shouting all night."

- "Coming!"

He sat right beside me on the sofa, I can smell his manly scent this close and see the man I have always loved, who never noticed my existence until I comforted him during the time he thought everyone left him and was so depressed, now he's back up and I am happy that he is, I just felt things have changed.

- "So?" he grinned.

He held my hands and looked at me.

"I don't know how to say this..." I started.

- "Is there something wrong?"

"Sweetie, I think it's something I did" I muttered guiltily.

- "What is it? Is there someone else? Did you do something? Tell me!" he said hastily.

"No, there's no someone else and I didn't exactly do anything... it's just..."

- "Just what?"

His grip is slowly tightening and I can see my arms slowly turning from red to purple. I loosened it a bit and held his hands and returned his seemingly lost gaze.

"I am not happy..."

- "Not happy? Did I do anything wrong? I know I have been so egotistic and I may not have been the best boyfriend you can have but I am doing my best, is it because I don't have time for you lately? Don't do this to me, I need you, you know I need you... please don't"

I gently pressed his hands and started massaging them, I can feel them turning cold and tense while I can feel my self slowly relaxing, "Here we go again" I thought. I am again comforting him and falling into the trap of his neediness.

"Dear...?"

I moved my right hand to touch his face which looked devastated, I made him look at me as if telling him to try his best to understand what I am about to say. He's silent and waiting, while tensed but I think this is the best time for me to do this, it has to be tonight.

"Dear, I know what I'm about to say would be tough to handle or understand as of now, but I want you to promise me that you are not in anyway gonna do something stupid that would probably hurt yourself or me. Can you do that?"

He nodded, although I know it's just an automatic response, I continued.

"Okay" I sighed exasperatedly.

"I want you to know that I truly and honestly love you and would always will. In fact you are the ONLY man I have ever loved this much by far."

- "If that's how you feel then why are we having this conversation? Tell me it's gonna be okay please? It's gonna be okay right?" he muttered.

"Take it easy and try not to overreact dear. I am not happy with the way things are going, I am not myself anymore and it's not gonna be healthy for our relationship if I continue and just deteriorate over time. I just need ample time to get things together. I hope you understand."

- "I am not getting any of these... Why are you not happy? You still didn't answer the question. Are you leaving me... for good?"

"Do you love me?" I asked.

- "Of course. Yes. Definitely. I love you! I need you in my life. What's the matter with you?"

"Do you need me because you love me or do you love me because you NEED me?"

Silence.

"It's a tough question right?"

He was still and unable to look into my eyes.

"I don't want this whole thing to blow over. Look. I love you. I really really do. But I don't want to be someone you are with because you need me. I will always be here for you no matter what but I feel you and I need some space between us to think about 'US'. It pains me to say these things, but I had to, we're absolutely going nowhere and I feel trapped..."

- "I am so confused... I'm sorry. I don't know what to say..."

"You don't have to say anything, it's tough for you too, but I totally understand... I love you enough to let you go. I promise I'll always be here for you, you don't have to feel that we have to be together, we don't have to... And I need to love myself more, I love you more than I love myself and I am doing all of this to me now... you see?

I am not saying I am right and you are wrong... but I don't want us to get to the point of hurting each other. I jumped in too soon and might've taken advantage of you at your weakest and now you are slowly taking over me, I need to get myself together... it's the only real thing I have."

- "You have ME."

I feel my heart pounding, his words are definitely something I don't want to hear right now. I have made my decision and I have to stand by it no matter what he says.

- "You have ME. I love you. It's also true that I NEED you, but I somehow cannot seem to quantify anything as of this moment, all I know is I don't want you to leave me. I know it sounded selfish but I do. I AM. I am a big complicated mess but this complicated mess becomes something when I'm with you... This egotistic depressed idiot wants to spend his life with you, only WITH you.

You said you LOVE me enough to let me go? I am not willing to go that way... not yet.. not ever."

"But..."

- "But what? Tell me straight... in my face! Tell me that you want to leave... tell me that you want to be alone! Tell me that you don't need me as much as I NEED you! And I'm gonna tell you, how a bad liar you are! Come on! I DARE you!"

"We're not seeing eye to eye. You need to calm down, this is not easy for me... And YES, all you said were true.."

- "Then please... please give me the chance to make it up to you. You only made these known to me today, you have been silent... I thought we were okay, I thought everything's fine. We're in this together. Don't do this yourself. I love you and I am not letting go. I'm not giving up just yet, I know how much I love you. I may have failed in showing you that, in some aspects but I am loving you the best way I know how to... it's never easy... nothing is... but you are very important to me and I don't want to lose you now.. not ever... unless the day comes that you don't love me anymore."

I fell silent. This is not what I have planned and it's getting out of my control. Was I the one who overreacted? Ugh.. my mind is not processing these thoughts clearly. It's all becoming hazy and unclear. I eased up a bit and fell backwards unceremoniously.

- "You love me?"

I sighed.

- "You love me." he smiled faintly.

"It hasn't been easy loving you, but I do."

- "I love you... so much and try not to doubt that even for one second please."

"You are the only person who have all the capacity to hurt me."

- "But you're still here."

"Yes. You drive me crazy, up these walls and yet if given a chance I would still do it over again. I am failing miserably."

- "I'll give you the space you need and all the time you need to 'get things together'. This time I'll be here for you...

But... I'm warning you. You haven't gotten rid of me okay? You're stuck with me for as long as I live... I promise you that."

I nodded.

- "Cheer up. I don't understand anything, but I will try... you deserve so much more, I know that. But I am willing to toil to make you happy, I am not going to argue with you this time, it would be pointless... but I am always here."

He hugged me, real tight. I can feel my bones shaking a bit and for a second I thought my lungs are going to give in, but it didn't. It's got to be today. Yes. It happened today. I knew he loved me. He loves me. I smiled.

- "I can't believe how hard headed you are. And I didn't know how clever you can be, I know you are smiling and don't dare hide this from me."

I bit my lip.

- "You scared me, I can't believe I fell for that one. Naughty girl. I will make you pay!"

"Don't burst my bubble just yet mister! All the things I told you are true, but I never imagined it to happen like this, you and your puppy-dog-eye technique!"

- "You know, I don't want this to ever happen again between us. I know you have made a lot of adjustments for me and I have been a big baby and an even bigger headache and I still am and will be I think..."

I raised an eyebrow.

- "I'm just being honest... wait, look, err. I can't promise you anything, not even a smooth and happy relationship, I won't be able to give you a life like that of the stories we read together."

"The ones I force you to read to me. Yeah. I know."

- "No dear, hold on. I know how much you love to be read to, I can see how your eye twinkles every time I pick up the book you like and read it to you before we sleep or whenever we can, that even if I am trying to be manly I let you get away with that, because it's something I do for you, and it makes me happy that for some moments I can make you happy."

"I'm sorry for making you do that. But my eyes twinkle and you notice?" batting my eyelashes.

- "Yeah. It works you know. I love the feeling you make me feel. You make me feel needed too, like I am someone important and that I actually matter, even if I know how strong and able you are in continuing with your life and I am the one who needs you more."

"I have always liked to be read to, but not like a kid though. You know why I love it?"

- "Why?" His arms are now circling around me and my head is now resting on his chest and I can hear his heart beat.

"It might be childish but... it's because I feel safe when I hear your voice, but every time you speak to me, it's like you are commanding and you are not you, but when you read to me, you become something else, more vulnerable but still enigmatic. You become you. And it's so strange, like... like... like I'm always in a trance and feeling your body vibrate and the emotions you invoke are far more revealing than when you speak..."

- "You are a real weird girl, you know that?"

"Mmhmm"

- "That's what makes you so special and I hate myself that I almost lost you."

I just sat there stunned.

- "Perhaps love is the process of my leading you back to yourself."

I looked up surprised with what I heard.

- "Did I get it right?"

"You remembered. Wind, Sand and Stars." I muttered astonishingly.

- "Don't get so teary eyed on me dear, I know you like them and I am not putting up with them, sometimes I just like it when you push me to do it, so it means so much more. I guess we both need to work on having our ways, you think?" he said grinning.

"I almost shooed you away. And everything has been a total misunderstanding."

- "You won't be able to tell someone off that easily dear, especially someone who cares about you. It's just not the way it's supposed to happen, we have differences, major ones. We can go MENTAL, on each other, but it's part of the process and we're learning."

"So you think I am going MENTAL on you?"

- "Umm... we just patched things up, go easy on the mental thing okay?"

"Nah. I'm still stuck with the phrase you just quoted."

- "Antoine de Saint-Exupery, but it wasn't from that book... Leo Buscaglia quoted it in one of his, one of his books you love, there's one more I remembered exactly from him..."

"What?"

- "I love you with all your hang ups too." he winked.

"How come we have to wait for these moments to do these stuff?" I am close to tears.

- "I think I need to be shaken up sometimes, or WE need to be shaken up, we became so complacent at least I know I have been, coz I know you'll always be there and I trust that you love me so much."

"Men, resting with their laurels"

- "There goes my feminist sweetheart. I love you!"

"You promised to give me space... uh uh uh... not too close." I laughed.

- "Did I? I forgot. And this space, did I tell you how much space I will be giving you?"

"Hmmm... not really, why? Are you taking it back?" I said testily.

- "Is that a trick question?"

"No silly. We can still have space, like time outs and stuff but tonight I don't think I want that... not with you quoting the way you just did... that is just sooooo sexy."

- "Me and my brilliance in trouble."

"Uh huh. You still have 'Water for Elephants' right?"

- "I knew it would come to that! HAH!"

"We're gonna do this differently tonight." I bit my lip and winked.

- "Not complaining dear... never."

At that moment we both laughed. We both got what we wanted and we wanted to be with each other. True enough there are tons of bickerings that might follow and a whole lot of disappointments perhaps. The union of two imperfect souls who chose to love each others' imperfections is a majestic craft only few would understand and conquer.

They do.

Love?

It's everything everybody is aiming for, but seldom would they give it freely, unabashedly.

"The best part of being in love is when you just love a person and be happy about it even if we know that it cannot last forever. That is the true essence of love.

It's NOT about WINNING someone.
It's NOT about OWNING a relationship.
It's just about being happy because you know you have loved someone.
It's about being guiltless because you know you did not take away anyone from anybody.

You just love and loved unselfishly."

Note: This piece is purely fiction any similarities to actual events or people are not intended by the author.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Submission

There's more to the affinity with rules
There's constancy,
but boredom is not so far behind.
There's order,
 yet the need for chaos surfaces
slowly, almost incredibly baffling.

'Follow and you will be rewarded'
so I was told.
But the reward is not what I have hoped
flashes of a promising life,
then I covered both eyes
and blurred the vision of incredulous lies.

The unknown is captivating,
to delve in realms of adventure and peril,
twisting, turning, falling, feeling.
Until you break an ankle and bruise your ego
'enough damage to alter reality'
some wise man said so.

Talk about my lost sense of inertia,
resting numbly under the comforts of challenging pursuits.
Day to day battles,
elaborate plans of future conquests
delicately covers the hollowness of a soul,
a soul searching, a soul unwanted.

Question, try it without reason,
and answers stare blankly with no direction.
The man exists
as it is, never becoming, just being.
Amiable destruction awaits
step closer and your match is made.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Wonderful Insanity

I'm NOT normal.

I am not even remotely kidding when I said that. It's gonna be so odd, but if you probably took the time to read some of my posts you would probably have a slight idea how I define normality and rebel against it in certain ways (probably not so obvious, but my inner radical continues to reinforce and reaffirm).

I am different, but at times I like blending in, it's a need and also a talent slowly harnessed over time. I am happiest during the times I am insane. Normality drives me up the walls, but it gives me ample time to pull back and recover.

Yesterday, I was feeling mediocre. I am not depressed, I guess when people confide to me I get involved in it so much that I get to somehow feel their pain too. I just need some sort of break, any break would do.

We were about to go home and end the routine that the boring day brought but my bestfriend insisted on going to our 'sanctuary'. A lot of things come up during our stays in our 'sanctuay', even if it's always full of random people, who are sometimes eavesdropping with our probably jaw-drop-inducing conversations *grin*.

Almost 12 years of knowing each other, we still discover something new. We're on the topic of quirks and she termed my confessions as extreme quirks (evil girl you!). We talked for five hours and we didn't realize it was THAT long until we saw the dawn almost breaking (ugh!). 

It's good to be different, it's great when you are accepted despite your weirdness.

My relationship with my bestfriend has so far been the longest I was able to keep, there's just one thing I realize about it... that every time we commit mistakes or piss each other off (I'm a perennial late comer, she always gets pissed about that LOL) we are always reminded that it is a temporary lapse and it's not gonna affect us unless we prolong it, so in essence we drive each other insane.

That being said I am trying to have a rundown of things that keeps me sane by making me insane (in no particular order) apart from my bestfriend and my little feisty tyke:

*Multicolored Cotton Candy
*Swings
*Wonka's Gobstoppers
*Crispy Fried Chicken
*Rollerblades
*Double Dutch Ice Cream (or any ice cream LOL)
*Demitri Martin's thought provoking sketches
*Music (especially my ultimate pick me up song Everafter)
*The search for the elusive Ruby Red Shoes (fine. shoes in general.)
*Books
*SALE
*Dresses (especially with flowy skirts *wink*)
*Text Twist (I should get a life. LOL)
*Pillows (the more the merrier! yay!)
*Mirrors
*Cheesecake (!)
*Dance Floor
*Mojito
*CBD's shake and bake
*peanut butter
*15 letter sentences/phrases
*palindromes (that actually make sense)
*color contrasts that work
*eccentric people
*seeing how models breakdown on national television (hilarious)
*mass medias attempt at so called 'reality'
*the moon, stars and other 'heavenly' bodies (when I look at them, I go into a trance)
*latest science breakthroughs (2010 Breakthroughs)
*Mythbusters!
*Matthew Gray Gubler (especially his recording of  Anabel Lee, which I listen to when I am unable to sleep)
*the color pink
*fluffy stuff
*LACE
*Lingerie (love!)
*beaches
*chocolates
*interesting stories (written or told)

I could probably have a whole lot more of stuff but I think the list would be this for now.

 
I'm ending this post with a quote from the wonderful Jean Dubuffet, who I believed have described my insanity the best. "For  me, insanity is super sanity. The normal is psychotic. Normal means lack of imagination, lack of creativity." RIGHT ON!

Friday, March 18, 2011

But I AM Present

Leo Buscaglia is one of the authors I admire the most, he's not creating novels to reflect upon, he just merely exhausted his lifetime on trying to open people's minds into what I like to call 'How to be' and did his best to let people know the beauty of living the REAL life. He doesn't exactly have the happy endings or best of times to boot, but I can really find depth into the simple words he scribbled and the experiences he shared whether it be about life, love, education or simply being or becoming.

In one of his books I came across a poem from a girl who committed suicide when she was 20 years old, her name is Michelle and this is because she felt the people around her doesn't value her as her, but rather they all want her to be someone... someone she found so hard to identify with. She died in 1967 and she wrote 25 poems, a little book that was published to probably create an awareness for us on how we should treat the people around us, specially those who try their best to be what we want them to be.

I Am Neither A Sacrilege Or A Privilege. I May Not Be Competent or Excellent, But I Am Present.
By -Michelle

My happiness is me, not you.
Not only because you may be temporary,
But also because you want me to be what I am not.
I cannot be happy when I change
Merely to satisfy your selfishness.
Nor can I feel content when you criticise me
for not thinking your thoughts,
Or for seeing like you do.
You call me a rebel.
And yet each time I have rejected your beliefs
You have rebelled against mine.
I do not try to mold your mind.
I know you are trying hard enough to be just you.
And I cannot allow you to tell me what to be-
for I am concentrating on being me.
You said that I was transparent
And easily forgotten.
But why then did you try to use my lifetime,
To prove to yourself who you are?

For me, I think love is not about potentiality, like thinking of how fine a person they can be in the long run although at some point we may be lead to believe in that way. Love is about accepting a person for what they already are, slowly discovering each other and growing together, changing hand in hand, adjusting and compromising. It's not falling for the idea of a person or love. There's just no buts, ifs or maybes that should be present. It's about someone affecting you in such a way that you can live without them, but you would be too encompassed in their being that you would choose not to.

When you expose yourself to someone, you risk the chance for that someone to cause you pain and suffering.

But you do.

WE all do.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

It's Friday once more. Yay!

I surely feel like a kid waiting for the weekend. Which kinda reminds me of my childhood.

*sigh*

If there's one word that would describe my childhood it would probably be... 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' (i love saying that word ^_^), it wasn't perfect but I loved it. Perhaps you might think that I'm like super old to be writing about my childhood, maybe... maybe not. I still enjoy play and I am still a kid most of the time (acting out hehe). Why did I came up with this topic hmmm?

I think the other day one of my good friends and I were online chatting, we were talking about a lot of stuff and was having a discussion on something (which I already forgot), he managed to turn the conversation into a sort of debate and then he had to back up a bit coz he's getting frustrated about an online game he's been trying (LOL). I think that's how we got started on talking about 'our' own childhood.

I'm gonna try my best to give you an idea about my childhood.

Here goes:

I am an 80's kid, 1983 to be exact (yeah counting now are you? *grin*) the year when President Marcos' Martial Law is slowly losing its power over the Philippines (I'm just saying this for artistic purposes... hehe) anyway, not every one would know I am the first female grandchild and that being said it already meant how much importance I was given from the day I was born. They even took their time to name me. My mom came up with my second name, an aunt wanted an additional vowel in it, another aunt gave me my first name with a few additional letters and finally my dad came up with the brilliant reason for naming me such because he likes that strong southern Spain wine made of white grapes (you might probably figure out my first name, given that hint).
 
I have more than 10 older male cousins growing up who served as my playmates (awesome!) and bodyguards (bummer!). Because of them I never got to like playing with dolls, play houses and other girly games, instead I learned how to play like most of the street children, I am always the only girl amidst the crowd of sweaty testosterone filled boys, there were moments when people would see me in the streets roaming with them and we have these pockets we fill with candy wrappers which we will use as cash to bet on our bottle crown game (the rarer the candy wrapper, the higher the value).

There's also a gravel and sand company near our house, we get to go there after school, me and my brother would most of the time try to find the smoothest stone that we can use to hit each other's rock, it's a silly game but we played it with a few other kids in the neighborhood. You might think it's mighty fine to be the only girl in the group but I get some moments when I am unable to run as fast as they can so when we play tag I end up the "loser" who would have to go after them all the time or they would try their best to make me cry with the silliest taunts and of course I will cry (damn it!). Other times I would sit and bow my head and "pretend" I am crying so that I get off the losing end and somebody would come to me and get to be the 'it'. It works, sometimes... or most of the time :P

And although I play with boys majority, it still doesn't mean that I can do everything they do. There's this game that I failed miserably even if they give me tons of consideration... sometimes they don't even count me in the team most of my cousins would be in and that is 'follow the leader'. In this game, you must do everything (and I mean everything) the leader does. And most of the time the more crazier the leader becomes, the harder the deed they will do and I am not exactly a gymnast to do them so I never bothered to be in it most of the time because one of my older cousins got his arm broken because of it (ouch!).

Another thing I miss about being a kid is Christmas caroling! Why? Because I'm the star! (ahem! LOL) I've always been the hyperactive-attention-seeker-overachiever kid so I get to impress more people during the holidays. I am usually with my older cousins or other kids in the neighborhood, sometimes I would write cards, wear costumes and bring instruments to get the most from the neighbors (real smart ei? LOL). We hammer bottle crowns and create certain instruments, it was fun, easy money too!

I've been to a lot of fights, sometimes I'm the one who challenges the would be opponents coz I know 10 of my older male cousins would be at my back (hah!), they taught me how to ride the bicycle (the reason for most of my leg scars). When I was starting, I used to be the person always riding with somebody and there was this one time my left foot was caught inside the wheel that they had to cut the spokes to get my foot out, I was crying so hard so they had to let me ride on my own. But it wasn't really easy too, I got into a LOT of accidents while learning it, and most of them include getting in open manholes or canals along the way, I always forget about the brakes until the last minute but I'm still lucky I didn't get to ruin my face while I'm at it.

Every vacation, I would go to my Grandparents' house and most of my cousins would be there too, my aunt has a silly way of making sure all of us would eat. She's this big lady who brings a large plate (like close to a small basin) and would feed us while we play or do whatever. She would mix in the food and rice, and basically just call us one by one. Of course I wanna be one of them although Mom's not very fond of her style and we're eating rice mostly, but we're happy... well, I know I am, coz I get all the chunks of meat (hehe).

El Niño phenomenon in the Philippines was really bad, we had to fetch water from other places, so Papa (one of my uncles) made us a cart which could carry like 10 big containers of water, I get to sit on it and hold all of the containers while the other guys push it (sweet!). We even came up with a jingle to keep us from getting bored, but it mostly includes the way we see the guy who pays us to fetch water for him and his baldness, he never found out about it (lucky us). There was this one time one of my cousins is so mad because he doesn't want to come with us, he pushed the cart really hard and the containers were still empty and I am on board, I went straight a small hill towards a waist deep open manhole which totally wreaked with murky water and contains assortment of trash. The others went to my rescue and when they pulled me out they saw a large piece of broken glass stuck on my left foot. I was brought home immediately after they poured water all over me coz it was super stinky and again wailing like crazy. I was I think 9 years old when that happened, they weren't able to touch the wound easily coz I was crying. Papa blindfolded me and my other cousins held my hands and feet just so they can get on with trying to clean the wound. I'm such a sissy.

After that, I got excused from doing anything around the house, I'm a Princess and they get to do what I want (oh yeah!). My cousins are then starting to grow up and they got into basketball so I learned the sport as well, but I never got the chance to play with them. I ended up being the cheerleader.

One more thing is that this was also the time I get to REALLY appreciate the rainy season, bathing in it with my cousins, making paper boats to race, play under the storm, slide in the street until you get a cold after bathing (so WORTH it!)

I didn't easily let go of my childhood, I was still into games and other stuff. I am already a highschooler but I still am on the street with my younger brother's playmates playing cards, street baseball, tag and hide and seek. I enjoyed and prolonged it but I still felt that it was gone so quickly.

This has been a really long post but I still feel it's not enough even as a gist of what my childhood had been, it was all fun and excitement and I remembered almost everything in it especially since all the pain and suffering when you're a kid would only take a few pieces of candy or chocolate, a new toy or a trip to Jollibee to be taken care of.

*sigh*

Remembering those moments is truly notalgic, especially the times when the wrong is being punished and the right is rewarded, it's supposed to be really simple.

Maybe our childhood experiences are different but one thing is for sure, the things at those times are simpler, you get problems like your scissor is not sharp enough, the pencil is broken, you don't have your color with you, it doesn't rain when you don't want to go to school and when you cry your mom or dad will come running to your side.

At this point my fingers are so tired to do the talking my lips can still probably handle. I wish my kid would somehow be able to get the feel of the childhood I had, being active and really outside mixing with other kids during playtime. If you have kids, you should let them experience the fun of being a kid. If there's one thing I really like about my childhood, it is the fact that my parents gave me the proper avenue to be free to do what I want and to enjoy things (though of course, sometimes I get to be punished too).  

Now where did they say the fountain of youth is located?

I still have that kid in me.

Sometimes I feel the need to erupt in unbridled laughter, play outside, hop and frolic. I get different reactions all the time, but I like being silly. It never gets old.

I may wear stilettos and be on my formal dress but if I want to skip the last step on the stairs and jump. I do. If I feel the need to sway and do a jig when I hear a tune. I do. If I want to play a game of tag with kids anywhere I see them. I do.

I miss bathing in the rain though (^_^).

***This note may still be continued by the author one of these days depending on her mood and the workings of her foolish mind... (LOL)***

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Math Life

"Math tells us three of the saddest love stories. Tangent lines who had one chance to meet and then parted forever. Parallel lines who were never meant to meet. And asymptotes who can get closer and closer but will never be together." - a forwarded quote

I am not that good in Math and honestly, when I received this message I attempted to check the definitions of the lines that were given. True, I tried to review Algebra, but I still wasn’t able to absorb the facts. Unfortunately, these lines never failed to leave my mind. I still wasn’t able to grasp it but I had always been fascinated on how twisted fate could be, and how it could give people a lifetime of happiness or disappointment.

In life, there really are certain people you meet who would serve a certain reason but it never occured to me that there are also people that would be there for you NOT to meet. What I don’t understand is the reason why we don’t have to meet them? Would it cause a catastrophic disaster if you meet those people you were not supposed to meet?

Why are there people whom we’re not supposed to be with anyway? Why do we have to hurt like we can never imagine just because fate does not allow the union of the souls before them? Is this some kind of game that fate is playing with us, giving us a moment of fleeting joy in exchange for a lifetime of pain and suffering? 

Why is it that the best for us could be the most painful of all experiences? Would it be better for things like this to happen? What if we could be given a chance to choose our own fate, escape all of the unnecessary people, disregard the unwanted memories and accomodate only the ones that you want. In other words, nothing but the good life.

Do you think it would be more wonderful? Or rather would it do you any good? A place where everything would be perfect and would suit your taste. I remember the movie "The Truman Show," where Jim Carrey is the subject of a reality show. He has this "pseudo-world" wherein he gets to choose everything that would occur or happen in every part of the neighborhood or the world wherein he lives. In the end, he still felt the urge to live in the real world with its complexities and challenges. He never felt happy, he just felt confused and denied of his rights as a normal human being.

Is there really a road to happiness? I mean eternal happiness, where one could not endure hardships or sorrow anymore? But I guess such a world even if it would exist will not be as great as the real world.

So going back to the math love story. Which pair would you want to be? Parallel, tangent or asymptotes? I would definitely want to be an angle, complimenting each other, and forever connected in the right way.


Saturday, March 12, 2011

Strawberry Flavored Fairy Dust and Purple Unicorns

"Cheer up and dry your damp eyes and tell me when it rains and I’ll blend up that rainbow above you and shoot it through your veins" - Rainbow Veins by Owl City

The purple fluffy clouds are all over the horizon as I sat in the orange pavement looking at the glaring lemony sun, the colors are making my eyes hurt but I like the idea of this world I am in, it's what I fancy.

A woman with a red and white polka dot dress is walking her three feet tall neon green donkey, they look really odd and how I love them, they slowly disappeared from my sight but I wanted to see them more and I tried to squint my eyes, but they are nowhere to be found, now I need to walk.

I stood up and saw my reflection in the mirror magically appearing in front of me, wearing knee high stockings of pink, blue and white stripes, a pair of black baby doll ballerina flats, salmon colored dress with a balloon skirt and my hair in pigtails with red bows neatly done... I'm 7 years old.

I walked across the street and a strange man in blue shirt and corduroy pants materialized and held my hand through the zebra lane, I trust him... I guess... I am gripping his hands. Am I scared?

He lead me to the entrance of the park, there was a fence covered with ivy and posts that looked like peppermint candy canes... I never liked those, I was always worried about my teeth, but I love how they look, it made me lean in closer and feel them with my little stubby hands.

"Ouch!" I squeaked.

I have such a really pitchy voice and the man looked down at me, but I can't see his face. All I know is I feel safe when he's holding my hand, I am gonna be okay, everything is going to be alright. He looked away again, maybe he knew there was no real trouble and that I am just being a baby, we continued walking, we're not talking.


"Who are you?" I thought.


- "Who do you want me to be?"


I was taken aback, I didn't see his lips nor his face but I knew he said something. It's not my imagination I am sure. Definitely. I didn't hear him though, those are his thoughts, his thoughts and mine in a conversation. I tried again.


"You are part of my dream?"


-"Yes. Because you want me to."


"If I wanted you here, and this is my dream, which means I have full control, why can't I see your face?"


- "It's not ready."


"What do you mean it's not ready? How can that be? How can I dream of you, and be affected by you and have this sort of communication with you if it's not ready? What's not ready? Are you not ready?"


- "You are, my dear."


"ME?"


- "Yes. You. It has always been you."


"I don't understand, I WANT to understand, I wish you can enlighten me. What is your purpose? Do you know me?"


- "I only have knowledge of the things you have granted me. I am here to hold your hand and to take you where you want to go, I will not be able to enlighten you for I am serving only one purpose... and that is to exist. You know me. And now you have to figure out the rest."


"I know you? I created you here in my dream? But... How? Hmm... I am lost. I feel so dumb. I created you and now I feel like I have failed you. I am not much of a creator and I haven't given you everything that you deserve in this story. Do you think I should stop now?"


- "You are not failing me, you are failing yourself. Do you want to stop and let everything go? I am happy, you should not worry about me. The purpose is met and as long as it is being met I will continue to be happy, it's how you made me. It's very simple and yet fulfilling I don't have to search for more meaning, I am actualized."


"Are you? What if I give you doubt and fear? What if I change your purpose and give you a lot of shortcomings? Would you still be happy? Would you still feel actualized? Would you still feel that? That whatever you are feeling for me?"


- "You complicate things creator, this is your world and I am just in here because of the role you want me to play, if you give me all of those it would be different. I would be different, I would have a character, but still serving a purpose. I would still be happy."


"Why?"


- "Because I exist."


I stood in front of this being. I am facing him now looking up at him, all 3 feet and 4 inches of me. I want to see him, his face. I tried my best to give him a face, a mark, an identity.


"It's not working."


- "What is creator?" 


"I was trying to give you a face and it's not working."


- "It's not ready creator. It has to be ready, it will happen eventually."


The man knelt in front of me and I can see his wholeness and the lack of a feature humans can identify him with. He moved his hands to cup my innocent face, serenity washed over me. Trickles of root beer soda started to drench us, I looked up to the now magenta colored sky filled with yellow fluffy clouds in the form of various animals, and focused on a little rabbit.


- "Creator, why did you created me?"


"Now you are trying to question me." I hid my toothy grin.


- "Yes. Free will surely feels funny."


"Yes it is, you noticed it so fast. Now you have an essence."


- "Purpose and essence it's a good combination, you are smart."


"Thank you. This time, I like what you said and since you have free will I am delighted to hear that, but I still have to figure things out, I'm learning... but I know we'll get there... eventually as you said earlier."


- "You didn't answer my question creator."


"Alas. Your purpose before was to make me feel safe and accompany me. Now you have to figure it out on your own, it's a little game I made, I hope you like games."


- "Why does it have to be a game? I like my purpose before, I find it easier to meet and I am happy with it."


"I am not. And the tables have now turned. YOU are asking ME questions."


- "This is your dream. In the end, I am still nothing but a player. I like free will though but I am feeling something like I am incomplete."


"Yes. Now it IS ready."


He looked at me with his ebony colored eyes and long lashes. He took a deep breath and smiled with his thin cherry colored lips. 


- "Creator. It's done."


I smiled. 


I stood up.


A woman all five feet three inches in her prime with long dark wavy hair barely reaching my chest wearing a canary yellow colored empire cut fitted dress up to my thighs and a pair of high heeled stilettos. 


"Come, now we have to go."


- "You are beautiful creator."


"I think I MAY have made you say that." suppressing a chuckle.


 - "Do you have to wake up now?"


"Yes. Hear that?"


Thundering voices.


- "Yes."


"That's Mom and my brother I think." I winked.


- "Now I wish I am real."


"I wish for the same thing. You are perfect. You are everything I wanted you to be. But you are not real. You are a product of my imagination and you are still going to fulfill my wishes in some ways but now they won't be known to you anymore. I will yearn for you every time I wake up and would wish to encounter you every time I dream. Now I don't want to wake up."


- "Why is that?"


"You're not listening." I grinned.


"You are a dream and now the essence of my dreams. When I wake up I will search for someone like you, which will never happen because I didn't create them, the people who are outside my realm. And even if the time comes that I will meet and fall in love with someone, you will stay and I will still DREAM of you."


- "It's not as bad as waiting for your return."


"I know. Now I wish for one thing."


- "What's that creator?"


"I like it better when you called me dear. But anyway, I want you to exercise your free will."


He went forward and so close to my face, more thundering voices and they are getting louder. He leaned in and kissed my lips. 


"I MAY have again made you do that."


- "I don't mind. I WANTED it too."


"I have to go back."


He slowly vanished from view.


I woke up and clutched my pillow. It's a good dream. I smiled faintly. 


But it's JUST a dream.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A Note from the Past

Whenever I see something I have written in the past it never fails to amaze me in certain ways. I never knew how idealistic I am, how much love meant to my young mind and how much of those I have shed over time.

And how immature I wrote. ü

And yes, I love using code names.

March 27, 2006

Linguist Gamer,

hmmm.. as much as i would want to elaborate every detail of it... i feel words won't even be enough to describe what i am feeling... falling in love is a very delicate task that humans often neglect... it is said that, love is one of the few things that separates us from animals... it creates a different passion far more intricate than the urges of nature and physical stimulation...

i think i'm falling in love.. i'm now making my way through the whole falling process... the bits and pieces of my heart is now being hurled in this whirlwind of joy and excitement... i can feel the rush it supplies to my beaten and tortured body... the unique sensation it gives although my perception is still heavily injured...

i think i'm falling in love... though my system still doesn't seem to allow it... i can feel my whole body trembling by the mere mention of your name... i was almost in post mortem.. been numb for so long in this empty road i am throdding... like i was a beast caged and was frozen to last this long only to find out how lonely it would be...

i think i'm falling in love...but regardless how agile i am, i can't choreograph my fall. i have no control over my limbs as they fall in an unsightly heap. i am like a galoot in love who seems to lose control of my own tongue and babble endlessly...

i think i'm falling in love... oh well this is just another day in the life of a fool...
 
Ignorant Sprite
 
 
 

Nobody knows just why we're here
Could it be fate or random circumstance?
At the right place, at the right time
Two roads intertwine.
And if the universe conspired
To meld our lives to make us
Fuel and fire
Then know where ever you will be
So too shall I be.

Close your eyes, dry your tears
'Coz when nothing seems clear
You'll be safe here
From the sheer weight of your doubts and fears
Weary heart, you'll be safe here.

Remember how we laughed until we cried?
At the most stupid things like we were so high
But love was all that we were on
We belong.

And though the world would never understand
This unlikely union and why it still stands
Someday we will be set free, pray and believe.

When the light disappears and when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream, I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here

Save your eyes from your tears
When everything's unclear
You'll be safe here

From the sheer weight of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart
When the light disappears and when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream, I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here

In my arms through the long cold night
Sleep tight, you'll be safe here
When no one understands, I'll believe
You'll be safe, You'll be safe
You'll be safe here
Put your heart in my hands
You'll be safe here